The Three Lucky Gentlemen

"The Three Lucky Gentlemen" refers to those three men who were given the chance to have sex with me and did. The way my blog works, if you're reading this for the first time, is I will not use these gentlemen's real names. I can go ahead and say some people will know who I am talking about anyways, despite the name changes, because all three men I consider(ed) my friends and the fact that we have many mutual friends in common. This one gets real, so be prepared for things that might gross you out or even make you think about me differently. Sorry in advance.


Let's start with Lucky #1
We will call him Drew. Drew and I were childhood neighbors. We grew up together, not necessarily as best friends or even close friends, but we grew closer our junior and senior years of high school. We hung out with mutual friends and although we went to rival high schools we never let that phase us. Most of our time spent together was with my best friend and his best friend and our favorite past time was getting high. The funny thing is that was about the only time we hung out. I remember my first time like it was yesterday...It was May 25, 2008, 20 days after my 18th birthday, and my friend invited me to a house party. I had a few girlfriends go with me and that night was full of drinking, smoking cigarettes, and smoking weed. At the end of the night everyone pretty much that didn't live at the house slept in the living room. Drew and I were on the floor and our friends were on a separate part of the floor or on the couch. The living room had seven people in all. I was really attracted to Drew and in my drunken and high state of mind I made the first move. I told him I wanted to have sex with him and he agreed. So on the floor, he put the condom on and entered me from behind and there I was losing my virginity...on the floor in a room with five other occupants. Drew stopped after about 2 minutes and said the room was spinning and pulled out and that was it. I did not have an orgasm and neither did he. We didn't even kiss. No one in the room knew it happened either, but that morning when I left the party I told my friends. I proceeded later to fall for Drew and it was the dumbest thing I could have ever done. Luckily I had his friends to remind me he did not like me like that so I could get the continued conditioning that there would be no relationship. I was crushed. I threw away my first time on the floor at a party 20 days after my 18th birthday. I mean, I 100% regret that night, but it's not like I can take it back. You live and you learn.


On to #2
Let's call him Gaston. Well after my first time failed and I graduated high school I started to hang out with this guy who hung out with some of our other mutual friends. I told him multiple times how upset I was over my first time not being the best and me not even reaching an orgasm. Well you could say this turned into like summer lovin'. I mean we spent an entire night in Cook Out's parking lot where he fingered me to an orgasm, while we listened to Senses Fail. SMH Well our first time together...my second time happened at my house in my bedroom. We turned on the TV to the one of the radio station channels, it was alternative rock I think, and then I don't know why but our foreplay was tickling and pinning each other and then one thing led to another and I experienced my first real sexual orgasm. He told me before we had sex that he wanted to show me what my first time should've been like and he did. After that night we proceeded to have sex 10 more times, mainly at my house, but also at his friend's house, his apartment, and in a hotel bathroom. The thing I regret most about this sexual experience is that after about the third time we had sex we stopped using condoms. I was stupid and thought it was okay to just use the pull out method and so did my friends. Mainly they told me I'd be okay because I was on birth control for four years before I lost my virginity. I believed them and he liked it...especially when I finished him off...yep I was that girl. He would pull out and I would swallow his load. Too much for you to handle? Sorry, I am just giving you my honest accounts on my past sexual relationships. I think that having unprotected sex was just one facet of the regret. The other part was the fact that I fell in love with him. I told him and he did not love me back. I was crushed and seriously thought we were in a relationship...I was delusional, let's be real. I was on this stupid lovesick cloud and even though my friends and family told me to leave the douchebag, I felt like I couldn't. I ended the friendship/relationship after eight months of bull shit. I deleted him off of my Facebook, I deleted his number out of my cell phone and slowly moved on. I spent several nights crying over him, but in the end this was a learning experience.


Lucky #3
We can call him Josh. Well this guy had sex with me 3 years and 3 months after Gaston...yes it took me that long to gain the ability to even be attracted to someone without letting my feelings get in the way. It also took me that long to find a guy who I considered a gentleman and someone who I thought would not disrespect me the way Gaston did in the past. Well Josh and I have many mutual friends like the other two guys, but this was probably the first time a lot of my friends that I hung out with the most did not know him. We mainly spoke to each other over Twitter and texting. I sent him several, and I mean several, scandalous text messages and before I went to see him the night we had sex I felt like that's how the majority of our conversations went. Not that I minded...but in the back of my mind that always stuck out. Anyways, so the night I gave up my celibacy I thought went very well. I hung out with Josh, his roommate and two other friends. We drank beer and later that night some smoked weed. I laughed like I hadn't laughed so hard in a very long time. I felt like I was just living in the moment carefree and really ready to have sex with Josh. The night ended with Josh and I in his room watching Auction Hunters on his bed. We were cuddling and cuddling eventually led to kissing, which led to me taking my clothes off. After this point it was time for the hanky panky...I asked him if he had a condom and he didn't. He told me we could stop there and there was a moment in my head where I said yes, that's logical, but that went out the window because it had been so long since I had had sex. I trusted him that he was clean, especially since we had been talking for about 2 months at that point in time. Well, I wasn't wet enough for him to really enter me, so he made the suggestion that I blow him to make it wet. In all honesty it was the best idea ever. I loved his penis and he proved that blow jobs don't have to suck. (no pun intended, haha!) He stopped me after a while and said it was probably wet enough and I got on top and he entered me. It felt good for what seemed to be about 2 minutes then he had to pull out...and again I did not have an orgasm. I was frustrated, but at the same time I did not think too much about it. I do wish I had had a condom for this so we both could've came at the same time because I was almost there, but that's a thing of the past. I still would like to have sex with Josh and next time actually cum, but that all depends on whether or not he wants to continue with this. We are still friends and yes I would love the benefits, but as of right now I am back at square one: masturbating...


I tell myself I am sorry for not using condoms, I tell myself I was stupid, but I also tell myself I could have stopped it. I didn't because I wanted to do it and for that I blame myself. All of these things in my mind I try to block out though because it's too late now to change the past and I just need to deal with myself at present.

What I am taking away from my Communication's Degree

If there is one thing I will take with me from Communication, other than the fact that it is everywhere and unavoidable, is Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. It helps me understand why I think about things the way I do sometimes. 


For those of you who are not Communication majors or are just not familiar with Maslow's Pyramid here is it:

I know this may sound nerdy and boring, but trust me it is most definitely not. ;)

The idea of this pyramid is that in life we are trying to reach the top of the pyramid, which is Self-actualization, but to get there you have to build up from the bottom. 

The most basic things we need to be copacetic are our physiological needs, it makes sense because to live we need to breathe, eat, drink, sleep, poop, pee, and here's the kicker have sex! The second step in the pyramid is safety needs which are being secure with your body, health, financial situation, family life, employment, and that you have a roof over your head. The third step in the pyramid is love/belonging needs which include obtaining and maintaining friendships, family, and sexual intimacy. The fourth step is esteem needs which include confidence, self-esteem, achievement, respect for oneself, and respect for others. The last step and top of the pyramid is Self-actualization, which is when one understands and masters all the previous needs and realizes their full potential in life.

Right now in my life I am honestly just trying to meet my physiological needs. I am definitely trying to remember to breathe, it comes naturally, but sometimes we need to be reminded. I have a love for food and drinks, there is definitely not a problem with that need being met. Sleep is important to me, but I know this semester I was lacking in that department. Obviously I poop and pee on a daily basis, and if you do not, you should probably go see a doctor. Now to meet my physiological need of sex, well I love to masturbate, so that is also not a problem, but let me just say that this physiological need is much better met by someone who will indulge in every part of me and make that 100 times more pleasurable than just my hand or my vibrator. ;) 

I am going with my gut feeling rather than my head and heart right now in my life and I know it makes me sound like a dude, but school is my number one priority right now. If I can have sex, well it's a bonus, but, let's be real, I am really picky when it comes to those who actually have access to my vagina and up until recently I had been celibate for 3 years and 3 months.

As for the second step in the pyramid I believe my safety needs are met. I feel certain that I am secure in my body. I sometimes put my health on the back-burner, hence why I have a cold right now during finals week, but all in all I know I am a healthy person. My financial situation is stable and I thank my lucky stars every day that I have such a supportive family. I know my family life is stable and I know that I can always run to them in any situation. I have a seasonal job right now and I know I need another job, but for right since school is first I am okay with having only a seasonal job. I am 100% sure the roof over my head safety need is met because I not only have one house, but two that I can escape to at any time. My apartment and my permanent home with my parents are those two places.

The third step in Malsow's hierarchy of needs is where I veer off of slightly. I feel that I have the love and feeling of belonging to so many friends and that that feeling is reciprocated. I truly, madly, and deeply love my family and I could not be where I am today without them. I could not be the person I am today with their love and support for these past 21 years. As for the sexual intimacy, I would like to say that when I have sex I get that, but at the same time I also feel like I am just trying to meet that first step of physiological needs. Right now as much as I would love to say I have sexual intimacy, things tend to get fuzzy with this subject. I do not know whether one would consider cuddling as being a part of sexual intimacy, but I love to cuddle so much after sex. I just do not know whether my sexual intimacy needs are being met, period. I am not saying this is a good thing or a bad thing because honestly I am unsure myself what to think about it, which is why I say I think I veer off at this step in the pyramid.

The fourth step in Maslow's pyramid yet again I feel like I have parts of this step, but other parts I know I do not. Well, that is what is keeping me reaching self-actualization at the top of the pyramid. The fourth step is esteem needs and I feel that at times my self-esteem is up there in the positive area, but then I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and just see someone who wishes she could go back to the body she had at 18 or things like that. I feel like my confidence level goes hand in hand with the self-esteem, because usually (not always) when my self-esteem is low, so is my confidence level. I feel like I achieve almost every goal I set myself to achieve. I feel this is true is for everyone. As for respect of self and respect of others, this is a huge value in my life. It may be a huge value in my life, but when I have casual sex to meet my physiological needs I sometimes feel like I am disrespecting myself...on the other hand I do not sleep around and I am definitely not a slut. I feel like you cannot fully show respect for another person until you show the full amount of respect for yourself. This is also something that tends to make the fourth step so hard to fully attain.

The last step and top of the pyramid is Self-actualization and since I have not mastered all of my previous needs I know I have not gotten to this yet.

I know that I am taking Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs with me from my Communication's degree in undergrad because it is so relatable to life as I know it. As I stated previously I am just trying to meet my physiological needs and live my life basically. What will you take away from your undergrad degree?

A Semester in Closing

So, the fall semester is coming to a close and I thought since it has been a while since I last made a post I would just write about my thoughts on how this semester went and give a few shout outs to those special people in my life. :)

Firstly, I would like to start off by saying that this has been the hardest semester in my college career and they say your senior year is supposed to be easier than your junior year. I can go ahead and call bull shit on that statement because I am a senior and this semester really was my toughest, so far. This semester I took 18 credit hours, I was the Scholarship Committee Chair in my National Honor Fraternity, I was a Big Brother in my fraternity for two Littles, and I still tried to have a social life outside of my fraternity.


With that being said my emotional health took a toll. I was constantly doing work or planning events or attending events or in class. I felt like sleep was so short and that I cried for way too many hours. I cried because I was stressed to the point of having mental, physical, and emotional breakdowns once a week if not more. I noticed that after the first month of school I was constantly feeling down and lonely. I felt like I had no one to help pull me out of my slump. After talking to my parents and friends, and still feeling this way, I scrounged up the courage and called the ECU Counseling Center to make an appointment to talk to a Counselor to try and help me feel better. This was the best decision I ever made. 


As I look back, I have definitely become a happier person and it is nice to know that there is someone who can help. My counselor, during our sessions, always seemed to give me great advice. She was very easy to talk to and that's really the whole point in counseling, they ask one question at the start of the session and you answer it, essentially you lead the conversation. Sometimes your mind will go off on a tangent to explain how you felt, but you feel better after you have said everything and the counselor gives you feedback on how to change things, if it is necessary.


Like I said, this semester has sucked. I thought I would never be happy, just completely stressed out and out of control. It was nice to know I had friends in all of my classes to help keep me sane and help me stay on track. Thank you Katy R. and Ashley J. for being the best classmates and friends to me! Also, I could not forget those few Brothers and friends who love and care about me and my well-being. They always seemed to be there for me at the right time.


I want to say thank you to Melanie and Heather for opening your doors to me multiple nights when I did not want to be alone in my apartment and also for several awesome sushi dates. :) I want to say thank you to my Littles, Kathryn and Sarah M., who were there for me when I was extremely stressed out. I want to say thank you to Chelsea B. and Morgan B. for being on Facebook chat at the right time, when I needed to tell someone how I felt and why I was crying. I want to say thank you to Libby for being there and always giving me your shoulder, whether it was to lean on or to cry on.


A HUGE thank you to Rachel and Chip for dealing with me in some of my worst moments of tears, up late at night, and stressed out to what seemed like infinity. Without you two, I do not honestly know how I would have been able to keep myself together. It is not easy to deal with someone who is as crazy as me, but you two stuck through it with me and helped me see to the other side. THANK YOU! <3


I want to say thank you to my mom, who came to visit me one weekday during this semester to help me out with my speeding ticket. After she went home she kept sending me motivational and inspirational emails to make me feel better because she worried, like mothers do. <3 


On another note, it was nice when I actually was able to get out of Greenville this semester. Not necessarily to go home because sometimes when I went home I was alone, which amplified my depression. Moreso, it was nice to see my friends like Abby, Lizzie, Troy, and Chip on days where I did not have to worry about school work. I also loved meeting their friends because those two nights were so much fun and I felt like I laughed more than I had in a very long time. It was nice to be around different people and enjoy their company. Those two nights I really felt like I escaped all the stress I had and just lived in the moment. I need more moments like that!


In closing, I cannot wait for this hell of a semester to be over, but I am thankful for the friends and family that are there for me through thick and thin. I love you all! I am extremely thankful for my parents, A GAZILLION THANKS!, who do so much for me when I cannot reciprocate the amount of help I receive from them. I am especially thankful for the life I live, no matter how stressful it may seem at times. 
I love everyone who has made me smile this past semester! Thank You! <3