Hi friends! :)
I know it has truly been a while since I have made a blog post like this one...
In fact, to put it plainly and get right into it, I had penetrative sex last week for the first time in 9 years and 10 months and while I want to say it should feel like a big deal, oddly enough, I (still) feel nothing [negative]. I found this very strange and was truly grateful that I had a therapy appointment already scheduled for the following week because I really wanted to discuss this feeling with my therapist, which we did for most of the session.
I won't go into full on details of the sex, but I will say, speaking for myself, overall it was a positive experience. Consent was ongoing, communication was there, and we both orgasmed. The reason I finally felt safe and secure enough to sleep with this person is because we had on previous occasions been intimate, slept in bed together, cuddled, but not done anything penetrative or oral sex. In all of those occasions, I felt safe and secure and actually wanted to have sex with them.
To take things back a bit and sort of pick up where I left off in my blog post My Sexual History Part II, when I left the US to study Sexology for what turned out to be a year, I thought I would potentially meet someone in Australia and break the dry spell back then in 2018. I had my eyes set on a couple of individuals, but one was never available to me and the other I would have loved to have sex with, but I was too drunk and high to do anything but go to sleep that night, so it would not have been good nor consensual sex. Alas, I came back from Australia still celibate.
For the whole of 2019, my life was a bit chaotic in trying to reestablish myself in the US, find a job, start paying off debts, etc. So I was, you could say, working and focusing on myself, and didn't allow time for anyone else. Then 2020 happened and my-oh-my how odd it is to be able to say that in September of 2020 I met someone, for the first time in a long time, that I felt I might have an intimate connection with. That did not turn out to be the case though.
In December of 2020, when I really needed the money, I began online sex work. Creating my online content, working my day shift full time job, and then trying to find time for friends was a bit overwhelming to say the least. I have learned a lot during my time with online sex work and I'm thankful for the sex worker angels out there who were always there for me when I needed to bitch or had a question about something. Over time though, I began to get burned out with overworking myself and while I had a nice small following of really sweet supporters, for my mental health, I had to end my time with online sex work at the end of October 2021, and stick to go-go dancing and any burlesque show opportunities. What I will say about my time as an online sex worker, I had done a lot of research, contemplating, etc. before I chose to take the leap into that realm and once you go in, there's no looking back. I, mainly, learned a lot more about myself sexually since all of my online sex work was solo sex. I learned, thanks to a subscriber who purchased butt plugs off my wishlist, that I actually quite enjoy butt plugs, and find them to be a very fascinating feeling. I learned to charge what I felt my services were worth and not let anyone try to tell me I'm worth less than that. I also learned that some people, I will stress 'some', will treat you differently when they discover you are a sex worker in any capacity. I also feel there is a teachable moment/opportunity there for these people, if they are willing to listen and be respectful. That's not always the case, but I picked those moments wisely.
In May of 2021, I met another person I was attracted to and things went pretty hot and heavy quickly with this individual over text and voice messages, however I kept getting red flags with this individual when they would chastise me for flirting with them and then not wanting to hang out. The problem was they didn't want to hang out until it was my bed time or well past it. So, with all of that in mind, after one incident where they made a joke about me being too drunk and telling me how I should spend my time as a happy and free individual, I told them to go fuck themselves, and they blocked me on all socials. To say this was a blessing in disguise would be an understatement. They showed me their true colors and I was like good, glad this ended very shortly after it began. I know I said some foolish things to them in my brief sadness of this potential intimacy fracturing, but I also know I was being gaslit. I let them know we were really over by distancing myself from them and setting healthy boundaries. They blocked me a second time on their socials and I'll be honest and say I'm glad for it.
In July of 2021, I met the person who ended up being who I broke the dry spell with and had penetrative sex with. To respect this person's privacy, because I do care about them as an individual, I will not really go into details on how we met and how we came to finally having sex, other than I told them I had been having lucid sex dreams about us and wanted to actually do it. That aside, I will explain, for me, after my therapy appointment why I (still) really feel nothing...and why it's a little foreign to me to feel this way, but I'm starting to see that's okay.
- With previous partners, the end goal for sex for me was to try and create a relationship with them...which was always a failure. This time I went into it as more of just a physical want and was satiated.
- While my best friend said it was probably my SSRI numbing my feelings, that is definitely not the case, since I'm on such a low dosage of my SSRI, haha.
- I am not 21 anymore, like I was the last time I had sex. I am in a completely different decade, mindset, atmosphere, etc. I am no longer a college student, I am a 31 year-old young/mid-level professional with lots of experience and knowledge, who is in therapy.
- I feel like not all of my needs would be met that I would want from a full on relationship with this individual, and I think that is definitely a part of why I feel nothing.
- I feel like I was putting in a lot of effort and that was not being reciprocated, for many valid reasons, and because I have had past relationships (friends, work or otherwise) that have taught me to be careful where I give my energy, I am just like okay, I had sex, it happened.
- I feel a part of me has already resigned to the fact that for me, this will go no further, and that's okay. I'm not sad, mad, upset, just accepting of this fact and okay with it all...which is mature as fuck for me, since I'm normally over-fixating on my partners.
- Speaking of over-fixating, to anyone who may be thinking, "then why are you making this blog post?!". To answer the question, I am doing this, and as you can see in previous blog posts, to reflect on things. It's a bit cathartic for me.
