"The Three Lucky Gentlemen" refers to those three men who were given the chance to have sex with me and did. The way my blog works, if you're reading this for the first time, is I will not use these gentlemen's real names. I can go ahead and say some people will know who I am talking about anyways, despite the name changes, because all three men I consider(ed) my friends and the fact that we have many mutual friends in common. This one gets real, so be prepared for things that might gross you out or even make you think about me differently. Sorry in advance.
Let's start with Lucky #1
We will call him Drew. Drew and I were childhood neighbors. We grew up together, not necessarily as best friends or even close friends, but we grew closer our junior and senior years of high school. We hung out with mutual friends and although we went to rival high schools we never let that phase us. Most of our time spent together was with my best friend and his best friend and our favorite past time was getting high. The funny thing is that was about the only time we hung out. I remember my first time like it was yesterday...It was May 25, 2008, 20 days after my 18th birthday, and my friend invited me to a house party. I had a few girlfriends go with me and that night was full of drinking, smoking cigarettes, and smoking weed. At the end of the night everyone pretty much that didn't live at the house slept in the living room. Drew and I were on the floor and our friends were on a separate part of the floor or on the couch. The living room had seven people in all. I was really attracted to Drew and in my drunken and high state of mind I made the first move. I told him I wanted to have sex with him and he agreed. So on the floor, he put the condom on and entered me from behind and there I was losing my virginity...on the floor in a room with five other occupants. Drew stopped after about 2 minutes and said the room was spinning and pulled out and that was it. I did not have an orgasm and neither did he. We didn't even kiss. No one in the room knew it happened either, but that morning when I left the party I told my friends. I proceeded later to fall for Drew and it was the dumbest thing I could have ever done. Luckily I had his friends to remind me he did not like me like that so I could get the continued conditioning that there would be no relationship. I was crushed. I threw away my first time on the floor at a party 20 days after my 18th birthday. I mean, I 100% regret that night, but it's not like I can take it back. You live and you learn.
On to #2
Let's call him Gaston. Well after my first time failed and I graduated high school I started to hang out with this guy who hung out with some of our other mutual friends. I told him multiple times how upset I was over my first time not being the best and me not even reaching an orgasm. Well you could say this turned into like summer lovin'. I mean we spent an entire night in Cook Out's parking lot where he fingered me to an orgasm, while we listened to Senses Fail. SMH Well our first time together...my second time happened at my house in my bedroom. We turned on the TV to the one of the radio station channels, it was alternative rock I think, and then I don't know why but our foreplay was tickling and pinning each other and then one thing led to another and I experienced my first real sexual orgasm. He told me before we had sex that he wanted to show me what my first time should've been like and he did. After that night we proceeded to have sex 10 more times, mainly at my house, but also at his friend's house, his apartment, and in a hotel bathroom. The thing I regret most about this sexual experience is that after about the third time we had sex we stopped using condoms. I was stupid and thought it was okay to just use the pull out method and so did my friends. Mainly they told me I'd be okay because I was on birth control for four years before I lost my virginity. I believed them and he liked it...especially when I finished him off...yep I was that girl. He would pull out and I would swallow his load. Too much for you to handle? Sorry, I am just giving you my honest accounts on my past sexual relationships. I think that having unprotected sex was just one facet of the regret. The other part was the fact that I fell in love with him. I told him and he did not love me back. I was crushed and seriously thought we were in a relationship...I was delusional, let's be real. I was on this stupid lovesick cloud and even though my friends and family told me to leave the douchebag, I felt like I couldn't. I ended the friendship/relationship after eight months of bull shit. I deleted him off of my Facebook, I deleted his number out of my cell phone and slowly moved on. I spent several nights crying over him, but in the end this was a learning experience.
Lucky #3
We can call him Josh. Well this guy had sex with me 3 years and 3 months after Gaston...yes it took me that long to gain the ability to even be attracted to someone without letting my feelings get in the way. It also took me that long to find a guy who I considered a gentleman and someone who I thought would not disrespect me the way Gaston did in the past. Well Josh and I have many mutual friends like the other two guys, but this was probably the first time a lot of my friends that I hung out with the most did not know him. We mainly spoke to each other over Twitter and texting. I sent him several, and I mean several, scandalous text messages and before I went to see him the night we had sex I felt like that's how the majority of our conversations went. Not that I minded...but in the back of my mind that always stuck out. Anyways, so the night I gave up my celibacy I thought went very well. I hung out with Josh, his roommate and two other friends. We drank beer and later that night some smoked weed. I laughed like I hadn't laughed so hard in a very long time. I felt like I was just living in the moment carefree and really ready to have sex with Josh. The night ended with Josh and I in his room watching Auction Hunters on his bed. We were cuddling and cuddling eventually led to kissing, which led to me taking my clothes off. After this point it was time for the hanky panky...I asked him if he had a condom and he didn't. He told me we could stop there and there was a moment in my head where I said yes, that's logical, but that went out the window because it had been so long since I had had sex. I trusted him that he was clean, especially since we had been talking for about 2 months at that point in time. Well, I wasn't wet enough for him to really enter me, so he made the suggestion that I blow him to make it wet. In all honesty it was the best idea ever. I loved his penis and he proved that blow jobs don't have to suck. (no pun intended, haha!) He stopped me after a while and said it was probably wet enough and I got on top and he entered me. It felt good for what seemed to be about 2 minutes then he had to pull out...and again I did not have an orgasm. I was frustrated, but at the same time I did not think too much about it. I do wish I had had a condom for this so we both could've came at the same time because I was almost there, but that's a thing of the past. I still would like to have sex with Josh and next time actually cum, but that all depends on whether or not he wants to continue with this. We are still friends and yes I would love the benefits, but as of right now I am back at square one: masturbating...
I tell myself I am sorry for not using condoms, I tell myself I was stupid, but I also tell myself I could have stopped it. I didn't because I wanted to do it and for that I blame myself. All of these things in my mind I try to block out though because it's too late now to change the past and I just need to deal with myself at present.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Saturday, December 10, 2011
What I am taking away from my Communication's Degree
If there is one thing I will take with me from Communication, other than the fact that it is everywhere and unavoidable, is Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. It helps me understand why I think about things the way I do sometimes.
For those of you who are not Communication majors or are just not familiar with Maslow's Pyramid here is it:
For those of you who are not Communication majors or are just not familiar with Maslow's Pyramid here is it:
I know this may sound nerdy and boring, but trust me it is most definitely not. ;)
The idea of this pyramid is that in life we are trying to reach the top of the pyramid, which is Self-actualization, but to get there you have to build up from the bottom.
The most basic things we need to be copacetic are our physiological needs, it makes sense because to live we need to breathe, eat, drink, sleep, poop, pee, and here's the kicker have sex! The second step in the pyramid is safety needs which are being secure with your body, health, financial situation, family life, employment, and that you have a roof over your head. The third step in the pyramid is love/belonging needs which include obtaining and maintaining friendships, family, and sexual intimacy. The fourth step is esteem needs which include confidence, self-esteem, achievement, respect for oneself, and respect for others. The last step and top of the pyramid is Self-actualization, which is when one understands and masters all the previous needs and realizes their full potential in life.
Right now in my life I am honestly just trying to meet my physiological needs. I am definitely trying to remember to breathe, it comes naturally, but sometimes we need to be reminded. I have a love for food and drinks, there is definitely not a problem with that need being met. Sleep is important to me, but I know this semester I was lacking in that department. Obviously I poop and pee on a daily basis, and if you do not, you should probably go see a doctor. Now to meet my physiological need of sex, well I love to masturbate, so that is also not a problem, but let me just say that this physiological need is much better met by someone who will indulge in every part of me and make that 100 times more pleasurable than just my hand or my vibrator. ;)
I am going with my gut feeling rather than my head and heart right now in my life and I know it makes me sound like a dude, but school is my number one priority right now. If I can have sex, well it's a bonus, but, let's be real, I am really picky when it comes to those who actually have access to my vagina and up until recently I had been celibate for 3 years and 3 months.
As for the second step in the pyramid I believe my safety needs are met. I feel certain that I am secure in my body. I sometimes put my health on the back-burner, hence why I have a cold right now during finals week, but all in all I know I am a healthy person. My financial situation is stable and I thank my lucky stars every day that I have such a supportive family. I know my family life is stable and I know that I can always run to them in any situation. I have a seasonal job right now and I know I need another job, but for right since school is first I am okay with having only a seasonal job. I am 100% sure the roof over my head safety need is met because I not only have one house, but two that I can escape to at any time. My apartment and my permanent home with my parents are those two places.
The third step in Malsow's hierarchy of needs is where I veer off of slightly. I feel that I have the love and feeling of belonging to so many friends and that that feeling is reciprocated. I truly, madly, and deeply love my family and I could not be where I am today without them. I could not be the person I am today with their love and support for these past 21 years. As for the sexual intimacy, I would like to say that when I have sex I get that, but at the same time I also feel like I am just trying to meet that first step of physiological needs. Right now as much as I would love to say I have sexual intimacy, things tend to get fuzzy with this subject. I do not know whether one would consider cuddling as being a part of sexual intimacy, but I love to cuddle so much after sex. I just do not know whether my sexual intimacy needs are being met, period. I am not saying this is a good thing or a bad thing because honestly I am unsure myself what to think about it, which is why I say I think I veer off at this step in the pyramid.
The fourth step in Maslow's pyramid yet again I feel like I have parts of this step, but other parts I know I do not. Well, that is what is keeping me reaching self-actualization at the top of the pyramid. The fourth step is esteem needs and I feel that at times my self-esteem is up there in the positive area, but then I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and just see someone who wishes she could go back to the body she had at 18 or things like that. I feel like my confidence level goes hand in hand with the self-esteem, because usually (not always) when my self-esteem is low, so is my confidence level. I feel like I achieve almost every goal I set myself to achieve. I feel this is true is for everyone. As for respect of self and respect of others, this is a huge value in my life. It may be a huge value in my life, but when I have casual sex to meet my physiological needs I sometimes feel like I am disrespecting myself...on the other hand I do not sleep around and I am definitely not a slut. I feel like you cannot fully show respect for another person until you show the full amount of respect for yourself. This is also something that tends to make the fourth step so hard to fully attain.
The last step and top of the pyramid is Self-actualization and since I have not mastered all of my previous needs I know I have not gotten to this yet.
I know that I am taking Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs with me from my Communication's degree in undergrad because it is so relatable to life as I know it. As I stated previously I am just trying to meet my physiological needs and live my life basically. What will you take away from your undergrad degree?
Friday, December 2, 2011
A Semester in Closing
So, the fall semester is coming to a close and I thought since it has been a while since I last made a post I would just write about my thoughts on how this semester went and give a few shout outs to those special people in my life. :)
Firstly, I would like to start off by saying that this has been the hardest semester in my college career and they say your senior year is supposed to be easier than your junior year. I can go ahead and call bull shit on that statement because I am a senior and this semester really was my toughest, so far. This semester I took 18 credit hours, I was the Scholarship Committee Chair in my National Honor Fraternity, I was a Big Brother in my fraternity for two Littles, and I still tried to have a social life outside of my fraternity.
With that being said my emotional health took a toll. I was constantly doing work or planning events or attending events or in class. I felt like sleep was so short and that I cried for way too many hours. I cried because I was stressed to the point of having mental, physical, and emotional breakdowns once a week if not more. I noticed that after the first month of school I was constantly feeling down and lonely. I felt like I had no one to help pull me out of my slump. After talking to my parents and friends, and still feeling this way, I scrounged up the courage and called the ECU Counseling Center to make an appointment to talk to a Counselor to try and help me feel better. This was the best decision I ever made.
As I look back, I have definitely become a happier person and it is nice to know that there is someone who can help. My counselor, during our sessions, always seemed to give me great advice. She was very easy to talk to and that's really the whole point in counseling, they ask one question at the start of the session and you answer it, essentially you lead the conversation. Sometimes your mind will go off on a tangent to explain how you felt, but you feel better after you have said everything and the counselor gives you feedback on how to change things, if it is necessary.
Like I said, this semester has sucked. I thought I would never be happy, just completely stressed out and out of control. It was nice to know I had friends in all of my classes to help keep me sane and help me stay on track. Thank you Katy R. and Ashley J. for being the best classmates and friends to me! Also, I could not forget those few Brothers and friends who love and care about me and my well-being. They always seemed to be there for me at the right time.
I want to say thank you to Melanie and Heather for opening your doors to me multiple nights when I did not want to be alone in my apartment and also for several awesome sushi dates. :) I want to say thank you to my Littles, Kathryn and Sarah M., who were there for me when I was extremely stressed out. I want to say thank you to Chelsea B. and Morgan B. for being on Facebook chat at the right time, when I needed to tell someone how I felt and why I was crying. I want to say thank you to Libby for being there and always giving me your shoulder, whether it was to lean on or to cry on.
A HUGE thank you to Rachel and Chip for dealing with me in some of my worst moments of tears, up late at night, and stressed out to what seemed like infinity. Without you two, I do not honestly know how I would have been able to keep myself together. It is not easy to deal with someone who is as crazy as me, but you two stuck through it with me and helped me see to the other side. THANK YOU! <3
I want to say thank you to my mom, who came to visit me one weekday during this semester to help me out with my speeding ticket. After she went home she kept sending me motivational and inspirational emails to make me feel better because she worried, like mothers do. <3
On another note, it was nice when I actually was able to get out of Greenville this semester. Not necessarily to go home because sometimes when I went home I was alone, which amplified my depression. Moreso, it was nice to see my friends like Abby, Lizzie, Troy, and Chip on days where I did not have to worry about school work. I also loved meeting their friends because those two nights were so much fun and I felt like I laughed more than I had in a very long time. It was nice to be around different people and enjoy their company. Those two nights I really felt like I escaped all the stress I had and just lived in the moment. I need more moments like that!
In closing, I cannot wait for this hell of a semester to be over, but I am thankful for the friends and family that are there for me through thick and thin. I love you all! I am extremely thankful for my parents, A GAZILLION THANKS!, who do so much for me when I cannot reciprocate the amount of help I receive from them. I am especially thankful for the life I live, no matter how stressful it may seem at times.
I love everyone who has made me smile this past semester! Thank You! <3
With that being said my emotional health took a toll. I was constantly doing work or planning events or attending events or in class. I felt like sleep was so short and that I cried for way too many hours. I cried because I was stressed to the point of having mental, physical, and emotional breakdowns once a week if not more. I noticed that after the first month of school I was constantly feeling down and lonely. I felt like I had no one to help pull me out of my slump. After talking to my parents and friends, and still feeling this way, I scrounged up the courage and called the ECU Counseling Center to make an appointment to talk to a Counselor to try and help me feel better. This was the best decision I ever made.
As I look back, I have definitely become a happier person and it is nice to know that there is someone who can help. My counselor, during our sessions, always seemed to give me great advice. She was very easy to talk to and that's really the whole point in counseling, they ask one question at the start of the session and you answer it, essentially you lead the conversation. Sometimes your mind will go off on a tangent to explain how you felt, but you feel better after you have said everything and the counselor gives you feedback on how to change things, if it is necessary.
Like I said, this semester has sucked. I thought I would never be happy, just completely stressed out and out of control. It was nice to know I had friends in all of my classes to help keep me sane and help me stay on track. Thank you Katy R. and Ashley J. for being the best classmates and friends to me! Also, I could not forget those few Brothers and friends who love and care about me and my well-being. They always seemed to be there for me at the right time.
I want to say thank you to Melanie and Heather for opening your doors to me multiple nights when I did not want to be alone in my apartment and also for several awesome sushi dates. :) I want to say thank you to my Littles, Kathryn and Sarah M., who were there for me when I was extremely stressed out. I want to say thank you to Chelsea B. and Morgan B. for being on Facebook chat at the right time, when I needed to tell someone how I felt and why I was crying. I want to say thank you to Libby for being there and always giving me your shoulder, whether it was to lean on or to cry on.
A HUGE thank you to Rachel and Chip for dealing with me in some of my worst moments of tears, up late at night, and stressed out to what seemed like infinity. Without you two, I do not honestly know how I would have been able to keep myself together. It is not easy to deal with someone who is as crazy as me, but you two stuck through it with me and helped me see to the other side. THANK YOU! <3
I want to say thank you to my mom, who came to visit me one weekday during this semester to help me out with my speeding ticket. After she went home she kept sending me motivational and inspirational emails to make me feel better because she worried, like mothers do. <3
On another note, it was nice when I actually was able to get out of Greenville this semester. Not necessarily to go home because sometimes when I went home I was alone, which amplified my depression. Moreso, it was nice to see my friends like Abby, Lizzie, Troy, and Chip on days where I did not have to worry about school work. I also loved meeting their friends because those two nights were so much fun and I felt like I laughed more than I had in a very long time. It was nice to be around different people and enjoy their company. Those two nights I really felt like I escaped all the stress I had and just lived in the moment. I need more moments like that!
In closing, I cannot wait for this hell of a semester to be over, but I am thankful for the friends and family that are there for me through thick and thin. I love you all! I am extremely thankful for my parents, A GAZILLION THANKS!, who do so much for me when I cannot reciprocate the amount of help I receive from them. I am especially thankful for the life I live, no matter how stressful it may seem at times.
I love everyone who has made me smile this past semester! Thank You! <3
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Sex
Sex...
What do I think of when you say the word sex?
-Well, right now all I can think of is, "Let's do it!" Unfortunately it is not that easy.
Sex is both complicated and simplistic.
Sex was primarily man's way of recreating life, but over time man started to have sex for more recreational purposes...
When you say sex, I think of a man inside a woman in the missionary position; the typical way that it is portrayed, but we all know it is not just that.
Sex is between a man and a woman, a man and a man, a woman and a woman and the other types, i.e. human and animal.
Sex is oral - penis in mouth, tongue in vagina.
Sex is anal - penis in anus.
Sex is vaginal intercourse - the definition is in the name.
Sex is vagina on vagina - not really sure what the technical term for this is, but I call it scissoring.
Sex is when any type of sexual bodily fluids are exchanged, whether it be through your vagina, anus, or mouth. The penis really only excretes fluid, but it is an important feature for sex.
Did you know that a person can make themselves orgasm, just by thinking about it?! (no touching, just thinking!)
If you think I'm crazy, I'm not, I saw it on the Discovery Channel TV Show Curiosity and it was pretty interesting. It obviously takes longer than manually touching yourself masturbation, but still, isn't it awesome that our brain really has the control over the pleasure center location of our body?!
Sex is seen in different ways in different cultures. One culture believes sex is sacred, one believes it is only for procreation, one believes it is a means of torture, one believes it is possibly the best human connection, and one believes it is scientific.
I mean these are just a few ways sex is viewed and to be honest, when someone says, "it's just sex," it's not.
A whole lot of stuff goes into it: You and your partner rub bodies and start to feel each other up and down, clothes come of, kisses become deep, breathing becomes shallow, heart races, blood flows down towards sexual organs, (the penis swells), body starts to sweat, and then before you know it both partners have climaxed and feel ultimately one of the best sensations a human being could ever feel, an orgasm.
Sex really is a curious thing. I am always thinking about it, always wondering why I have so many thoughts and dreams about it. I always wonder about the thousands, if not millions, of positions that are possible with sex. I think about the many places sex could occur and I wonder why porns are not really what sex is depicted in my mind.
I also think about the after effects of sex, there is always an emotional connection, there is the chance of pregnancy, there is the chance of contracting an STI, and there is the loss of one's virginity.
If you haven't noticed, I love talking about sex, watching, having, reading about sex, and this is just one of those random times I decided to write about it. Hope you enjoyed it. ;)
What do I think of when you say the word sex?
-Well, right now all I can think of is, "Let's do it!" Unfortunately it is not that easy.
Sex is both complicated and simplistic.
Sex was primarily man's way of recreating life, but over time man started to have sex for more recreational purposes...
When you say sex, I think of a man inside a woman in the missionary position; the typical way that it is portrayed, but we all know it is not just that.
Sex is between a man and a woman, a man and a man, a woman and a woman and the other types, i.e. human and animal.
Sex is oral - penis in mouth, tongue in vagina.
Sex is anal - penis in anus.
Sex is vaginal intercourse - the definition is in the name.
Sex is vagina on vagina - not really sure what the technical term for this is, but I call it scissoring.
Sex is when any type of sexual bodily fluids are exchanged, whether it be through your vagina, anus, or mouth. The penis really only excretes fluid, but it is an important feature for sex.
Did you know that a person can make themselves orgasm, just by thinking about it?! (no touching, just thinking!)
If you think I'm crazy, I'm not, I saw it on the Discovery Channel TV Show Curiosity and it was pretty interesting. It obviously takes longer than manually touching yourself masturbation, but still, isn't it awesome that our brain really has the control over the pleasure center location of our body?!
Sex is seen in different ways in different cultures. One culture believes sex is sacred, one believes it is only for procreation, one believes it is a means of torture, one believes it is possibly the best human connection, and one believes it is scientific.
I mean these are just a few ways sex is viewed and to be honest, when someone says, "it's just sex," it's not.
A whole lot of stuff goes into it: You and your partner rub bodies and start to feel each other up and down, clothes come of, kisses become deep, breathing becomes shallow, heart races, blood flows down towards sexual organs, (the penis swells), body starts to sweat, and then before you know it both partners have climaxed and feel ultimately one of the best sensations a human being could ever feel, an orgasm.
Sex really is a curious thing. I am always thinking about it, always wondering why I have so many thoughts and dreams about it. I always wonder about the thousands, if not millions, of positions that are possible with sex. I think about the many places sex could occur and I wonder why porns are not really what sex is depicted in my mind.
I also think about the after effects of sex, there is always an emotional connection, there is the chance of pregnancy, there is the chance of contracting an STI, and there is the loss of one's virginity.
If you haven't noticed, I love talking about sex, watching, having, reading about sex, and this is just one of those random times I decided to write about it. Hope you enjoyed it. ;)
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Depression Sucks
Well, obviously my title speaks for itself.
I am depressed, I have not yet been diagnosed, but I know how I feel and it is really sounding like it.
This is a pretty deep feeling...it's like I will be happy around my very good friends and family, but in the absence of that I am that person walking down the street and everything and everyone else around me seems to be moving 1,000 times faster and I am just there with tears in my eyes. I honestly do not know what made me start feeling this way.
There are several factors that I think could influence this:
1. my weight
2. living alone
3. not being able to find a job
4. taking 18 hours this semester
5. coming home to an empty house
6. only having a cat to talk to
7. not being able to get control over my eating habits
8. always being tired/not getting enough sleep
9. depending on my parents for all income
10. feeling completely alone
I mean and that's just 10...On Sunday, September 4, 2011, my family transferred our membership to a new church and as tradition new members leave out with the Senior Pastor and Associate Pastor and receive greetings and welcomes from members of the church. While I stood there shaking people's hands and saying thank you, in the back of my mind I felt like a complete fake and wanted to run off crying. I do not know why, I just did.
I guess another thing is that I know I may say I am okay with being single, but I am at my third year of celibacy/no sexual intimacy with a man. I have not had a relationship for three years and I see all these happy couples around me, fully enamored and some even getting married and I just feel terrible. I feel selfish saying this, but it is like, why won't any guy pick me? Why can I not find love other than family love? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not skinny enough? I know I am smart enough, so there's no question about that. Am I doing something wrong? I just don't get how some people have it so easy and people like me don't. I know I am young, but dammit why does no one seem to want me?
I feel happy for a little while during the day, but I always seem to go back to feeling completely empty. Little things set me off, like today for example a girl in my class turned to me and said "You don't like anything do you?" I wanted to leave the room crying. I wanted to defend myself, but that comment caught me off guard. I did not speak the rest of class except to describe what TMZ does exactly. I walked back to my apartment trying to hold back my tears after that class. She did say a couple of minutes later that her statement was not meant to be mean, but it was already interpreted that way and it really hurt.
I sit at my apartment talking to my cat, the only one I have 24 hours a day who truly loves me, and still feel so empty. I am NOT suicidal. I am just not happy and cry a lot. I have no idea why, I have no idea why it won't go away and I am going to talk to a professional about it soon.
I just don't understand how someone like me who is blessed with a family and friends who love her, has a pet who is always there, is a college student doing very well in school, is a 21 year old with a new car that her parents pay for, has a cell phone her parents pay for, has an apartment her parents pay for, and knows what she wants in her future, yet I feel so empty and so sad.
I feel like I have this daily facade where I act happy in all of my classes, around my friends, and smile in pictures that are taken, but when the curtains close I have my head in my hands and I am just crying.
I am mainly posting this because I know I am not the only one out there and not everyone knows how I feel right now and this is a way I feel comfortable telling people...well and sometimes writing things out is a little therapeutic to me. I love my friends and family who have been there for me since I told them and it really does help! I just wish it helped more...I guess that's why I am going to a counselor to talk things out.
I am depressed, I have not yet been diagnosed, but I know how I feel and it is really sounding like it.
This is a pretty deep feeling...it's like I will be happy around my very good friends and family, but in the absence of that I am that person walking down the street and everything and everyone else around me seems to be moving 1,000 times faster and I am just there with tears in my eyes. I honestly do not know what made me start feeling this way.
There are several factors that I think could influence this:
1. my weight
2. living alone
3. not being able to find a job
4. taking 18 hours this semester
5. coming home to an empty house
6. only having a cat to talk to
7. not being able to get control over my eating habits
8. always being tired/not getting enough sleep
9. depending on my parents for all income
10. feeling completely alone
I mean and that's just 10...On Sunday, September 4, 2011, my family transferred our membership to a new church and as tradition new members leave out with the Senior Pastor and Associate Pastor and receive greetings and welcomes from members of the church. While I stood there shaking people's hands and saying thank you, in the back of my mind I felt like a complete fake and wanted to run off crying. I do not know why, I just did.
I guess another thing is that I know I may say I am okay with being single, but I am at my third year of celibacy/no sexual intimacy with a man. I have not had a relationship for three years and I see all these happy couples around me, fully enamored and some even getting married and I just feel terrible. I feel selfish saying this, but it is like, why won't any guy pick me? Why can I not find love other than family love? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not skinny enough? I know I am smart enough, so there's no question about that. Am I doing something wrong? I just don't get how some people have it so easy and people like me don't. I know I am young, but dammit why does no one seem to want me?
I feel happy for a little while during the day, but I always seem to go back to feeling completely empty. Little things set me off, like today for example a girl in my class turned to me and said "You don't like anything do you?" I wanted to leave the room crying. I wanted to defend myself, but that comment caught me off guard. I did not speak the rest of class except to describe what TMZ does exactly. I walked back to my apartment trying to hold back my tears after that class. She did say a couple of minutes later that her statement was not meant to be mean, but it was already interpreted that way and it really hurt.
I sit at my apartment talking to my cat, the only one I have 24 hours a day who truly loves me, and still feel so empty. I am NOT suicidal. I am just not happy and cry a lot. I have no idea why, I have no idea why it won't go away and I am going to talk to a professional about it soon.
I just don't understand how someone like me who is blessed with a family and friends who love her, has a pet who is always there, is a college student doing very well in school, is a 21 year old with a new car that her parents pay for, has a cell phone her parents pay for, has an apartment her parents pay for, and knows what she wants in her future, yet I feel so empty and so sad.
I feel like I have this daily facade where I act happy in all of my classes, around my friends, and smile in pictures that are taken, but when the curtains close I have my head in my hands and I am just crying.
I am mainly posting this because I know I am not the only one out there and not everyone knows how I feel right now and this is a way I feel comfortable telling people...well and sometimes writing things out is a little therapeutic to me. I love my friends and family who have been there for me since I told them and it really does help! I just wish it helped more...I guess that's why I am going to a counselor to talk things out.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Sexual Self Control
My friend asked a couple of nights ago had I hooked up with anyone since she had last seen me and I said no. I also added that on Labor Day of this year, September 5, if I have not hooked up with anyone by this time I have been celibate for three years.
My friend freaked out a little bit saying things like oh my God and how do you do it?! I could only think of one answer at the time, my vibrator, but now that I have been mulling over this for a couple of days I believe it is because of multiple reasons. In this blog I am going to list my reasons of why I have been celibate for almost three years now. Enjoy. ;)
Well like I said the first thing that came to my mind was the fact that I have a vibrator, so therefore I do not need to hook up with anyone when I have this perfectly fine toy to do exactly that. I know some people may wonder, don't you miss the touch of guy, the cuddling, the crazy places you can do it, etc? Well, yes I do miss that, but most of the men I have met in college have been complete boys and dogs and I do not want to sleep with either of those types of men.
This leads me to my next reason of why I have not hooked up with any guys since 2008...well I am the type of person when I give you everything, I give it completely. I am the person who has sex because I have feelings for you and yes it is deeper than a one-night stand, so I know I cannot just sleep around with a guy, especially after many failed attempts of trying to psych myself into believing that a one-night stand was okay.
My next reason I believe has to do with the way I was raised by my parents. My parents were not very strict and they were not very loose parents either. They did not let me get away with everything, but they did not hide me from everything. I knew what sex was by age nine and that was not by my parents telling, but from the movie channels on Dish Network, i.e. Cinemax at night becomes Skinemax and other channels. We never really talked about sex that much, but there were a few times it was brought up, by either my parents or myself. Which is why at the age of 13, I asked my mom for a vibrator so I would not have sex like the other sex-crazed teens in my eighth grade class. I have always had an open relationship with my parents and they have always been there for me, which is why I think I did not make too many irrational decisions and I did not always do things that they told me I could not do.
My next reason is my main focus in life right now is to not sleep with everything that has two legs and party all the time, but to graduate from college. I have had the mind-set that if I am applying for jobs, I need to say no to my friends who offer me the puff, puff, pass and think about making money so I can stop depending so much on my parents and grow up. I mean it's not that I don't like to have a good time, I do, but I make sure that I have my school work in check before I even think about going out. The partying is another part to this reason. I know how to drink and still remember what happened the night before. I have been to the point of throwing up and still telling a guy that happened to be my DD to leave my apartment after walking me to it, one night when I was really gone. I know when a guy is trying to get in my pants, it's that gut feeling instinct that kicks in, and I know when to say no.
I think a lot of my self control at parties started when I was in high school because I used to offer to drive all the time and I saw first hand how messed up my people could get at parties. I did not want to be that girl and have no control over myself and need others to watch me, babysit me, or even fathom the thought of being left at the house because I have passed out and my friends don't want to deal with me. Those kinds of situations lead to bad decisions like having sex with that guy you thought you liked and then realizing it was not what you wanted. I know in my gut that I cannot do that to myself, I will have feelings attached to that person and when they have had me, they have also had my heart. I know it sounds dumb, but it is true and that will be another portion of my heart someone has stolen.
**If you were wondering I did not lose my virginity until I was 18 years old, it was exactly 20 days after my 18th birthday and it was a mistake. This is another reason why I do not have sex with just anybody. I gave up my virginity to a friend of mine at a party while we both in an intoxicated state and it was on the floor in the living room of the party at an apartment and there were five other people in the room (which none of them knew the sex had occurred). I say it was a mistake because it was in no way, shape, or form the way I had imagined it or wanted it to be. This is the only one-night stand I have had and it just so happened to be my first time. There were no sparks, there was no kiss, there was no orgasm, it was so quick and I do not know why I did it to myself. I fell for him after that night, which was a mistake as well and I have learned from it. Life goes on and this is a big reason for my sexual self control.
I think another reason is because of my last "relationship." I put relationship in quotations because I was in love with this guy, but he was not in love with me. He was just having sex with me and that was pretty much it. He was never sober any of the times we had sex and I was quite the opposite, except for maybe two nights out of our 11, I was sober. We did cuddle and fall asleep next to each other after we had sex, so it was this thought I created in my head that we were a couple. I mean that time in my life has made it hard for me to even think about having sex with someone. Especially when I gave him all of me and at one of my best friends 18th birthday party he made out with his ex-girlfriend in front of my face. Yes, I continued to sleep with him after that and not listen to what my friends had to say, but believe me when I say I have learned from this mistake in my life and have tried hard not to let it happen again.
I think my last and biggest reason, which kind of sums up all of my past reasons, is I only want to have sex with a man if I am in a committed relationship and I am in love with him. I know that is why I have been celibate since 2008. Yes, I know some guys have come to my attention and lord knows I tried to get theirs, but there were always reasons to why the sex never actually happened and I guess I am grateful for that because I know that is not all I want from a guy.
My friend freaked out a little bit saying things like oh my God and how do you do it?! I could only think of one answer at the time, my vibrator, but now that I have been mulling over this for a couple of days I believe it is because of multiple reasons. In this blog I am going to list my reasons of why I have been celibate for almost three years now. Enjoy. ;)
Well like I said the first thing that came to my mind was the fact that I have a vibrator, so therefore I do not need to hook up with anyone when I have this perfectly fine toy to do exactly that. I know some people may wonder, don't you miss the touch of guy, the cuddling, the crazy places you can do it, etc? Well, yes I do miss that, but most of the men I have met in college have been complete boys and dogs and I do not want to sleep with either of those types of men.
This leads me to my next reason of why I have not hooked up with any guys since 2008...well I am the type of person when I give you everything, I give it completely. I am the person who has sex because I have feelings for you and yes it is deeper than a one-night stand, so I know I cannot just sleep around with a guy, especially after many failed attempts of trying to psych myself into believing that a one-night stand was okay.
My next reason I believe has to do with the way I was raised by my parents. My parents were not very strict and they were not very loose parents either. They did not let me get away with everything, but they did not hide me from everything. I knew what sex was by age nine and that was not by my parents telling, but from the movie channels on Dish Network, i.e. Cinemax at night becomes Skinemax and other channels. We never really talked about sex that much, but there were a few times it was brought up, by either my parents or myself. Which is why at the age of 13, I asked my mom for a vibrator so I would not have sex like the other sex-crazed teens in my eighth grade class. I have always had an open relationship with my parents and they have always been there for me, which is why I think I did not make too many irrational decisions and I did not always do things that they told me I could not do.
My next reason is my main focus in life right now is to not sleep with everything that has two legs and party all the time, but to graduate from college. I have had the mind-set that if I am applying for jobs, I need to say no to my friends who offer me the puff, puff, pass and think about making money so I can stop depending so much on my parents and grow up. I mean it's not that I don't like to have a good time, I do, but I make sure that I have my school work in check before I even think about going out. The partying is another part to this reason. I know how to drink and still remember what happened the night before. I have been to the point of throwing up and still telling a guy that happened to be my DD to leave my apartment after walking me to it, one night when I was really gone. I know when a guy is trying to get in my pants, it's that gut feeling instinct that kicks in, and I know when to say no.
I think a lot of my self control at parties started when I was in high school because I used to offer to drive all the time and I saw first hand how messed up my people could get at parties. I did not want to be that girl and have no control over myself and need others to watch me, babysit me, or even fathom the thought of being left at the house because I have passed out and my friends don't want to deal with me. Those kinds of situations lead to bad decisions like having sex with that guy you thought you liked and then realizing it was not what you wanted. I know in my gut that I cannot do that to myself, I will have feelings attached to that person and when they have had me, they have also had my heart. I know it sounds dumb, but it is true and that will be another portion of my heart someone has stolen.
**If you were wondering I did not lose my virginity until I was 18 years old, it was exactly 20 days after my 18th birthday and it was a mistake. This is another reason why I do not have sex with just anybody. I gave up my virginity to a friend of mine at a party while we both in an intoxicated state and it was on the floor in the living room of the party at an apartment and there were five other people in the room (which none of them knew the sex had occurred). I say it was a mistake because it was in no way, shape, or form the way I had imagined it or wanted it to be. This is the only one-night stand I have had and it just so happened to be my first time. There were no sparks, there was no kiss, there was no orgasm, it was so quick and I do not know why I did it to myself. I fell for him after that night, which was a mistake as well and I have learned from it. Life goes on and this is a big reason for my sexual self control.
I think another reason is because of my last "relationship." I put relationship in quotations because I was in love with this guy, but he was not in love with me. He was just having sex with me and that was pretty much it. He was never sober any of the times we had sex and I was quite the opposite, except for maybe two nights out of our 11, I was sober. We did cuddle and fall asleep next to each other after we had sex, so it was this thought I created in my head that we were a couple. I mean that time in my life has made it hard for me to even think about having sex with someone. Especially when I gave him all of me and at one of my best friends 18th birthday party he made out with his ex-girlfriend in front of my face. Yes, I continued to sleep with him after that and not listen to what my friends had to say, but believe me when I say I have learned from this mistake in my life and have tried hard not to let it happen again.
I think my last and biggest reason, which kind of sums up all of my past reasons, is I only want to have sex with a man if I am in a committed relationship and I am in love with him. I know that is why I have been celibate since 2008. Yes, I know some guys have come to my attention and lord knows I tried to get theirs, but there were always reasons to why the sex never actually happened and I guess I am grateful for that because I know that is not all I want from a guy.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Studying Abroad in Argentina
It's been a while since I have blogged and trust me this one's gonna be a long one so brace yourself and read as much as you'd like. :) **There are pictures to keep you interested. :P
Recounting the two months I have spent in Argentina nearly filled up an entire diary I kept while there. I have so much I could say about this trip and how wonderful it was, but I think I will skip all the fun parts for now and get right to what exactly I went there to learn. I am a senior at East Carolina University, double majoring in Interpersonal/Organizational Communication and Hispanic Studies. I went to Argentina to study abroad and get my final prerequisite before delving into my upper level Spanish classes, which I will start in the fall semester. The study abroad program offered students to take Spanish 1003 and 1004 to complete their foreign language requirements for different majors or to do internships within their different majors.
I had already signed up to take Spanish 1003 my spring semester when I heard about this program and when I got the okay to just go for Spanish 1004 I was elated. I still had to attend Spanish 1003 classes, but believe me I was grateful for it. Living in a country where English is not the first language took a little getting used to, but it was not long before I was having full conversations in Spanish with my host mother and other Argentinean natives. The first three weeks of class were like a mini review of what I had just finished at ECU and a look into Professor Castaño-Schultz teaching style. The classes went by very quickly, seeing as we only had three weeks for each level.
We were in grammar class from 10:00am until 1:30pm every weekday and Monday through Thursday we were in conversation from 2:30pm until 3:45pm or 4:00pm. During the weeks we had class, it was a lot of work in the classroom and outside of class we had tons of homework to prepare us for the next day. Every week we had a diary in Spanish we turned in to show exactly how much we learned from the classes and to recount our activities during the past weeks. Conversation class had to be my favorite part of the day because Professor Barrionuevo made class fun. We learned songs in Spanish and changed the lyrics to use our vocabulary, we played games and rewrote fairy tales in Spanish with our own twists, and we talked a lot in Spanish and really used the grammar and vocabulary we were learning. I learned a lot and was very thankful to have come out of this class with more fluidity in my Spanish. My grade in Spanish 1004 was a 94.7%, a high A.
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| Profé Susana Barrionuevo and I |
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| Amanda, Kasey, and I in the Andes Mountains |
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| Betty and I |
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| Me, Amanda, April, and Ryshonda |
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| JC, Molly, and I |
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| Cristo Redentor, La Cumbre |
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| The view at Cristo Redentor |
Another huge trip was our week off from classes, when we traveled to Iguazú Falls, one of the seven natural wonders of South America, and Buenos Aires the capital of Argentina. Iguazú Falls, Argentina was wonderful and my favorite part was La Garganta del Diablo or the Devil’s Throat where the falls were so huge the mist covered the bottom so you could not see where the drop ended. This had to be the most breathtaking part of the entire trip for me and I was speechless over this natural wonder.
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| La Garganta del Diablo |
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| 3 Points |
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| Congress Building |
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| The Recoleta Cemetery, like it's own little city. |
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| Ana Clara and I on that Tuesday night. |
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| Buen Pastor, Lady in the Water, Córdoba |
Oh, you may be wondering what exactly did I eat there and drink there that is different from the U.S. Well, as for food and beverages I loved and will miss entirely too much are Alfajores de maicena, Panadería alfajores, Empanadas- ALL-con pollo, con cebolla y queso, con carne, con jamón y queso, y Árabes, Lomitos, Milanesa, Medialunas (con dulce de leche), Dulce de Leche, Locro, Megatubes, Asado, Tartas de Betty, Ser Yogurt-Frutillas sabor, Postres de Caseratto, Helado-especially Dulce de leche con granizado y coco, Sandwich de miga, Panadería fresh bread, Mango Tang, Mate con azúcar, Café con leche, Quilmes Crystal, Fernet con Coca, and Gancia y Sprite.
**Oh and by the way, Argentina Nightlife > American Nightlife. They head to the bars around 1:00am, by 2:00am you are at a club and it is packed full of people. The clubs don't close til about dawn and they serve drinks the entire time.They also have Siesta time from about 2:00pm-5:00pm which allows them to be wild and crazy during the nightlife. Maybe Americans should adapt this and we would not need those 5 hour energys or Red Bull to keep us alive while at work.**
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| Wild night in Córdoba. Mary, Me, and Amanda. |
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| Stefania and I. Tequila Shots! ♥ |
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| Amanda, Pedro (our Argentinean Native amigo), Me, and Kaitlyn at the club. |
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| Drink. Drank. Drunk. Wild night in Córdoba. Andrew and I in this epic photo. |
Friday, June 10, 2011
Caperucita Roja - Red Riding Hood
For my Spanish Conversation class here in Córdoba, Argentina we had to rewrite a fairy tale and pretty much take the story where ever we wanted to and present it at the end of class. So, my friend Sonia and I decided to write about Red Riding Hood, but about 10-15 years after the first story took place. The first part is the Spanish version and the second part is the translated English version. I hope you enjoy reading it. :)
*Side note: Fernet and Gancia are popular liquors in Argentina.*
Había una vez, una chica que se llamaba Caperucita Roja. Iba saltando por el bosque para un boliche esa noche. Llevaba un vestido rojo, corto, y muy lindo. Ella también llevaba botas largas. Tenía una canasta llena de Fernet y Gancia porque no había bebido antes de salir de la casa.
Después de cruzar el río del oro, se encontró con un lobo malo. El lobo dijo, "¡Que hermosa! Me gustan tus piernas." El lobo trató besarla.
Entonces, Caperucita Roja dió una patada de karateka como Chuck Norris en su cara. Ella pasó por arriba del lobo y fue al boliche con su canasta llena de licor.
No era la primera vez que ella trataba con un lobo malo ni era el último.
**La moraleja del cuento es Walker Texas Ranger es un buen niñero.**
Once upon a time, there was a girl named Red Riding Hood. She was skipping through the forest towards the club that night. She was wearing a short red dress that was very lovely. She was also wearing thigh high boots. She had a basket full of Fernet and Gancia because she had not drank before leaving the house.
After crossing the Golden River, she met a bad wolf. The wolf said, "How beautiful! I like your legs." The wolf tried to kiss her.
Then, Red Riding Hood gave a round-house kick, like Chuck Norris, to his face. She walked over the wolf and went to the club with her basket full of liquor.
It was not the first time she met a bad wolf and it would not be the last.
**The moral of the story is Walker Texas Ranger is a great babysitter.**
*Side note: Fernet and Gancia are popular liquors in Argentina.*
Había una vez, una chica que se llamaba Caperucita Roja. Iba saltando por el bosque para un boliche esa noche. Llevaba un vestido rojo, corto, y muy lindo. Ella también llevaba botas largas. Tenía una canasta llena de Fernet y Gancia porque no había bebido antes de salir de la casa.
Después de cruzar el río del oro, se encontró con un lobo malo. El lobo dijo, "¡Que hermosa! Me gustan tus piernas." El lobo trató besarla.
Entonces, Caperucita Roja dió una patada de karateka como Chuck Norris en su cara. Ella pasó por arriba del lobo y fue al boliche con su canasta llena de licor.
No era la primera vez que ella trataba con un lobo malo ni era el último.
**La moraleja del cuento es Walker Texas Ranger es un buen niñero.**
Once upon a time, there was a girl named Red Riding Hood. She was skipping through the forest towards the club that night. She was wearing a short red dress that was very lovely. She was also wearing thigh high boots. She had a basket full of Fernet and Gancia because she had not drank before leaving the house.
After crossing the Golden River, she met a bad wolf. The wolf said, "How beautiful! I like your legs." The wolf tried to kiss her.
Then, Red Riding Hood gave a round-house kick, like Chuck Norris, to his face. She walked over the wolf and went to the club with her basket full of liquor.
It was not the first time she met a bad wolf and it would not be the last.
**The moral of the story is Walker Texas Ranger is a great babysitter.**
Monday, April 11, 2011
Sex Toy Masturbation
Remember in my first blog post how I said I love to talk about sex...well this one right here is going to be about masturbation.
So, about a month ago during my Spring Break on one of those boring and dull nights, me and four of my friends were trying to find random and interesting things to do in Durham, late at night after an amazing Vietnamese dinner.
Well my always go-to late night place besides the movies or Cosmic Cantina is Cherry Pie in Chapel Hill. I could spend all day in that adult store, sorting through their collections of porn, risque lingirie, sex toys, edible undies/other edible items, sex games, party items, books, condoms, lubricants, body lotions/oils, candles, hot waxes, incense, and other things associated with having a good time.
Anyways...as usual I was off exploring the toys while my other friends were exploring the porn and other things. Well, I kept coming back to this one vibrator, but it was so expensive, like $80-$110 expensive, and I was very apprehensive on buying it.
I really did want a vibrator though, because the one I had been using previously, along with my vibrating panties, were just not doing it for me. (no pun intended, haha) So, as we came to the checkout counter I had my guy friend ask them what a good vibrator would be for me. This made the two guys at the counter light up, like a kid in a candy shop. I mean they were pulling out all these different makes and models of vibrators and making me feel them with my finger. It was awesome! I was trying to be on a reasonable budget with my vibrator choice, so I was considering out of my options given, what would be best for a decent price?
This was the winner:
So, about a month ago during my Spring Break on one of those boring and dull nights, me and four of my friends were trying to find random and interesting things to do in Durham, late at night after an amazing Vietnamese dinner.
Well my always go-to late night place besides the movies or Cosmic Cantina is Cherry Pie in Chapel Hill. I could spend all day in that adult store, sorting through their collections of porn, risque lingirie, sex toys, edible undies/other edible items, sex games, party items, books, condoms, lubricants, body lotions/oils, candles, hot waxes, incense, and other things associated with having a good time.
Anyways...as usual I was off exploring the toys while my other friends were exploring the porn and other things. Well, I kept coming back to this one vibrator, but it was so expensive, like $80-$110 expensive, and I was very apprehensive on buying it.
I really did want a vibrator though, because the one I had been using previously, along with my vibrating panties, were just not doing it for me. (no pun intended, haha) So, as we came to the checkout counter I had my guy friend ask them what a good vibrator would be for me. This made the two guys at the counter light up, like a kid in a candy shop. I mean they were pulling out all these different makes and models of vibrators and making me feel them with my finger. It was awesome! I was trying to be on a reasonable budget with my vibrator choice, so I was considering out of my options given, what would be best for a decent price?
This was the winner:
It is called Hannah Harper's Butterfly Vibe and it is AMAZING!! I mean the guys at Cherry Pie listened to what I had to say and recommended a winner. It was the best $40 I have spent on a vibrator, so far. This toy has 7 different pulsations and I mean it is better than my previous ones which only had adjustable speed; this toy pulsates AND vibrates. It is just too amazing for words.
Well with that being said, I do not care if you want to know or not, but I am masturbating more often than I used to and I am complaining less about not having sex with a man. I am complaining less because most of the time when I feel the urge, if I am at my apartment, I stop whatever I am doing, put my phone on silent, turn on John Mayer, turn on my vibrator and fulfill that urge. I mean I have not felt this way in a while and I am happy I have found something that works for me.
I believe masturbation is very healthy and not to mention it is a great stress reliever! After this experience, if anyone is interested in using toys, I say go for it! I would suggest asking the store associates what they recommend before making a purchase, because they can end up saving you money. If they are good, they will show you multiple items in different price ranges to suit your fancy. I have never been against sex toys, hell, I got my first vibrator when I was 13, so I seriously have no problem with the use of them. If a toy is what helps you orgasm on your own during masturbation, then why not own one?!
Monday, April 4, 2011
Sleep Deprived Driving
I don't know what it is about driving, but I just hate long boring drives...especially when I have done them so many times I don't know what to do with myself during that time.
I have tried blasting my music, rolling my windows down just enough to annoy me, seeing that I'm driving mostly on a 70 mph highway most of the way, turning on the heat/air conditioning to wake me up somehow and singing along with the music.
When I am tired, no matter what I have tried to do, nothing seems to help me. I notice that I have no conscious idea of how fast/slow I'm driving, which is awful, and no matter what kind of music I am blasting I still feel like I could doze off any minute. I have even tried slapping myself, but all that does is temporarily sting my cheeks.
Well on a desparate whim, one drive back to Greenville I thought maybe I could wake myself up by masterbating, haha. It felt right, Maroon 5 was serenading me with "Harder To Breathe," which actually just popped up on shuffle. I just thought, awe what the hell if this doesn't do the trick I will just turn on the Wicked Soundtrack, because for some reason that album always wakes me up. Well, masterbation was a very good idea, with my cruise control on of course. I was definitely awake after those few minutes of self pleasure and thankfully made it back to Greenville safely, haha.
Life lesson: I just need to get enough sleep, so I will not feel like I am about to fall asleep at the wheel driving to and from Greenville, haha. If that is not an option, masterbating always will be. ;)
I have tried blasting my music, rolling my windows down just enough to annoy me, seeing that I'm driving mostly on a 70 mph highway most of the way, turning on the heat/air conditioning to wake me up somehow and singing along with the music.
When I am tired, no matter what I have tried to do, nothing seems to help me. I notice that I have no conscious idea of how fast/slow I'm driving, which is awful, and no matter what kind of music I am blasting I still feel like I could doze off any minute. I have even tried slapping myself, but all that does is temporarily sting my cheeks.
Well on a desparate whim, one drive back to Greenville I thought maybe I could wake myself up by masterbating, haha. It felt right, Maroon 5 was serenading me with "Harder To Breathe," which actually just popped up on shuffle. I just thought, awe what the hell if this doesn't do the trick I will just turn on the Wicked Soundtrack, because for some reason that album always wakes me up. Well, masterbation was a very good idea, with my cruise control on of course. I was definitely awake after those few minutes of self pleasure and thankfully made it back to Greenville safely, haha.
Life lesson: I just need to get enough sleep, so I will not feel like I am about to fall asleep at the wheel driving to and from Greenville, haha. If that is not an option, masterbating always will be. ;)
Monday, February 21, 2011
Some People Never Change!
Alright, so normally I do not get irritated by people's bull shit, but ever since I stopped being friends with this girl, Jillian, my freshman year of college she has been the thorn in my side.
I know it is bad to talk shit about people, but let's be real, everyone does it every once in a while and today I feel like shit talkin'.
I guess it all started when I became a "bad friend" Spring Break '09. The night before we had to leave the 3 girls I was hanging with decided to drink heavily, which is okay, but Jillian does not know how to hold her liquor. After 4 consecutive shots of Southern Comfort she was not walking anymore but crawling on the sidewalk outside. I guess I am a "bad friend" because I did not really feel like babysitting over my spring break, but I did anyways. I helped Jillian get to the bathroom twice (with the boys help). After the first time the boys and I got her onto a bed and she cried for the LONGEST time about wanting to call her ex-boyfriend and it was so ridiculous that we even tried to get her to give us his number so she would shut up, but she could not get past the first digit.
Both times she was in the bathroom I helped her pull her pants down and the second time while on the toilet, I handed her a trash can to throw up in...a bad friend would have left Jillian out on the side walk to piss and vomit on herself. But I guess she did not take that into account. All the while the two girls she considered to be better friends than I were outside still drinking with their neighbor.
I did a lot that night after Jillian threw up. I am not good when it comes to vomit and I am almost always near panic attack mode when I am near someone throwing up. So after Jillian proceeded to throw up I asked one of the guys to hold the trash can for a second while I went outside to get some fresh air. Well, when Jillian finally was situated off of the toilet and I once again helped her put her pants on...which was a 3-man job: 1 guy holding the trash can she was throwing up in, 1 guy holding her up, and I pulling her pants up...she then was kneeling to the porcelain thrown. I thought in my panicked mind that it would be okay to just throw away the trash can she threw up in...I mean I sure as hell was not going to clean to jelly bean vomit chunks out of the bag less trash can. So, I threw the trash can away...maybe an hour later one of the drunk girls freaked out because I threw away her trash can and went diving in her trash to get the vomit soiled trash can, for the bathroom, out of the trash that I had thrown away. I know it was not the smartest idea, but I planned on buying them a new trash can, but whatever, she went into the trash to get that nasty shit out. One of the guys then dumped the vomit down the kitchen sink and used the disposal to get rid of it...this is just fucked up to reminisce, but true story. I went into the kitchen after him and started to clean the dishes to get my mind off of everything that had just happened. Also to get the house ready because we were leaving the next day.
Well after such an eventful night, you can imagine how much I was ready to go home. When Jillian woke up she said she still felt like she was going to throw up and since I knew the boys were going the same way she was to get home I asked if they could take her because I did not want her to vomit in my car. They all agreed and took her home.
I know that letting them take her home when she rode with me on the way there was a little messed up, but honestly I cannot deal with someone bitching for a four hour drive about something they did to themselves.
Jillian and I did hang out after that, but there was just one day during the fall where I just thought everything me and this girl's friendship was based on was worthless, so I deleted her and blocked her from my Facebook. She called me multiple times after finding that out, leaving me rude voicemails about if I wanted attention deleting her from Facebook was not the right way to do it and just petty bull shit like that. She also like to send me rude text messages and was just very ignorant and rude, so I also blocked her from my phone.
Since we had not talked to each other in almost 2 years, I thought it would be okay to unblock her and just see if there was anything said about me while we were not friends and low and behold I found this picture:
Well, I thought it was hilarious, so I requested to tag myself. My request was declined so I just went ahead and took the picture edited it so the one on the left was added so you knew it is really me behind that blue circle and then tagged myself.
Lastnight, Jillian decided to message me on Facebook, just like old times and talk shit to me, but it is whatever because everything she has said has been childish...she is what? 22-23 years old and still acting like a child.
Some people never change! If Jillian really was mature, she would not be sending me belittling messages right now or blame that photo-editing on another one of her friends even though it is in one of her Facebook photo albums. If she was mature she would not blatantly lie about something when I clearly checked it out and saw that what she said was not true. I mean c'mon! Leave me out of your life if you intend on continuing to act like an elementary school kid because I am in college and came here for my education, not for toxic friendships with people who do everything BUT care about school.
The friends that I have now know that I am in no way a "bad friend" and will attest, in fact, that I am a great friend to have in their lives. I do not need anyone to tell me that I am mature because I know that I have grown up since my freshman year of college.
Reflecting on this blog and summing it up in one quote would have to be: "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -Dr. Suess
I know it is bad to talk shit about people, but let's be real, everyone does it every once in a while and today I feel like shit talkin'.
I guess it all started when I became a "bad friend" Spring Break '09. The night before we had to leave the 3 girls I was hanging with decided to drink heavily, which is okay, but Jillian does not know how to hold her liquor. After 4 consecutive shots of Southern Comfort she was not walking anymore but crawling on the sidewalk outside. I guess I am a "bad friend" because I did not really feel like babysitting over my spring break, but I did anyways. I helped Jillian get to the bathroom twice (with the boys help). After the first time the boys and I got her onto a bed and she cried for the LONGEST time about wanting to call her ex-boyfriend and it was so ridiculous that we even tried to get her to give us his number so she would shut up, but she could not get past the first digit.
Both times she was in the bathroom I helped her pull her pants down and the second time while on the toilet, I handed her a trash can to throw up in...a bad friend would have left Jillian out on the side walk to piss and vomit on herself. But I guess she did not take that into account. All the while the two girls she considered to be better friends than I were outside still drinking with their neighbor.
I did a lot that night after Jillian threw up. I am not good when it comes to vomit and I am almost always near panic attack mode when I am near someone throwing up. So after Jillian proceeded to throw up I asked one of the guys to hold the trash can for a second while I went outside to get some fresh air. Well, when Jillian finally was situated off of the toilet and I once again helped her put her pants on...which was a 3-man job: 1 guy holding the trash can she was throwing up in, 1 guy holding her up, and I pulling her pants up...she then was kneeling to the porcelain thrown. I thought in my panicked mind that it would be okay to just throw away the trash can she threw up in...I mean I sure as hell was not going to clean to jelly bean vomit chunks out of the bag less trash can. So, I threw the trash can away...maybe an hour later one of the drunk girls freaked out because I threw away her trash can and went diving in her trash to get the vomit soiled trash can, for the bathroom, out of the trash that I had thrown away. I know it was not the smartest idea, but I planned on buying them a new trash can, but whatever, she went into the trash to get that nasty shit out. One of the guys then dumped the vomit down the kitchen sink and used the disposal to get rid of it...this is just fucked up to reminisce, but true story. I went into the kitchen after him and started to clean the dishes to get my mind off of everything that had just happened. Also to get the house ready because we were leaving the next day.
Well after such an eventful night, you can imagine how much I was ready to go home. When Jillian woke up she said she still felt like she was going to throw up and since I knew the boys were going the same way she was to get home I asked if they could take her because I did not want her to vomit in my car. They all agreed and took her home.
I know that letting them take her home when she rode with me on the way there was a little messed up, but honestly I cannot deal with someone bitching for a four hour drive about something they did to themselves.
Jillian and I did hang out after that, but there was just one day during the fall where I just thought everything me and this girl's friendship was based on was worthless, so I deleted her and blocked her from my Facebook. She called me multiple times after finding that out, leaving me rude voicemails about if I wanted attention deleting her from Facebook was not the right way to do it and just petty bull shit like that. She also like to send me rude text messages and was just very ignorant and rude, so I also blocked her from my phone.
Since we had not talked to each other in almost 2 years, I thought it would be okay to unblock her and just see if there was anything said about me while we were not friends and low and behold I found this picture:
Lastnight, Jillian decided to message me on Facebook, just like old times and talk shit to me, but it is whatever because everything she has said has been childish...she is what? 22-23 years old and still acting like a child.
Some people never change! If Jillian really was mature, she would not be sending me belittling messages right now or blame that photo-editing on another one of her friends even though it is in one of her Facebook photo albums. If she was mature she would not blatantly lie about something when I clearly checked it out and saw that what she said was not true. I mean c'mon! Leave me out of your life if you intend on continuing to act like an elementary school kid because I am in college and came here for my education, not for toxic friendships with people who do everything BUT care about school.
The friends that I have now know that I am in no way a "bad friend" and will attest, in fact, that I am a great friend to have in their lives. I do not need anyone to tell me that I am mature because I know that I have grown up since my freshman year of college.
Reflecting on this blog and summing it up in one quote would have to be: "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -Dr. Suess
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Valentine's Day Singledom
Valentine's Day was yesterday, as we all know. I am single and have never really had a Valentine other than family and friends, but honestly it is not that big of a deal to me. I pretty much celebrated singledom yesterday by going to class and eating lunch with a Brother and her boyfriend. I had an exam after lunch, which I am pretty sure I beasted, and then I went home. :)
I then sat around for a bit thinking about how beautiful the weather was and then thought that my Valentine to myself would be a Love It size of Birthday Cake Remix from Cold Stone. I called up a friend while I ate my ice cream outside in the beautiful sunshine. It was so fucking delicious!!!
*Mental Note* I need to call my friends more often!
It was turning out to be a great day. I almost forgot about a Small Group meeting I had, but I ended up making it on time. Life can be chaotic, but I tend to try and make the best out of it.
After that, I went home and sat in my apartment and got to thinking, which is never a good sign. I started to feel the singledom blues and thought I had to do something for myself to feel better. So, I made myself a nice dinner consisting of spaghetti with my family's homemade meat sauce and cheesy garlic bread. I don't know what it is about pasta, but it always seems to be a comforting meal for me.
After all my cooking and cleaning I received the text message that gave me a big grin. The guy I like sent me "Hey happy valentines day" I know it was such a small thing, but I was so happy he said it first; I didn't have to say it first, ya know? I went to bed that night in a very good mood.
I also went to bed in an amazing mood because I own a pair of vibrating panties (yes like from The Ugly Truth) and I wore those for a little while, while I listened to John Mayer serenade me into good, good, good vibrations. Haha. Singledom = Masturbation on Valentine's Day.
It is just something I live with and it is a natural way to feel good. True Life.
Anyways, on a final note, I hope all my friends had a great Valentine's Day, single or not, it is just another greeting card holiday that people put too much thought into, but is worth celebrating in some way (CHOCOLATE!) haha.
I then sat around for a bit thinking about how beautiful the weather was and then thought that my Valentine to myself would be a Love It size of Birthday Cake Remix from Cold Stone. I called up a friend while I ate my ice cream outside in the beautiful sunshine. It was so fucking delicious!!!
*Mental Note* I need to call my friends more often!
It was turning out to be a great day. I almost forgot about a Small Group meeting I had, but I ended up making it on time. Life can be chaotic, but I tend to try and make the best out of it.
After that, I went home and sat in my apartment and got to thinking, which is never a good sign. I started to feel the singledom blues and thought I had to do something for myself to feel better. So, I made myself a nice dinner consisting of spaghetti with my family's homemade meat sauce and cheesy garlic bread. I don't know what it is about pasta, but it always seems to be a comforting meal for me.
After all my cooking and cleaning I received the text message that gave me a big grin. The guy I like sent me "Hey happy valentines day" I know it was such a small thing, but I was so happy he said it first; I didn't have to say it first, ya know? I went to bed that night in a very good mood.
I also went to bed in an amazing mood because I own a pair of vibrating panties (yes like from The Ugly Truth) and I wore those for a little while, while I listened to John Mayer serenade me into good, good, good vibrations. Haha. Singledom = Masturbation on Valentine's Day.
It is just something I live with and it is a natural way to feel good. True Life.
Anyways, on a final note, I hope all my friends had a great Valentine's Day, single or not, it is just another greeting card holiday that people put too much thought into, but is worth celebrating in some way (CHOCOLATE!) haha.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Sex Dreams.
Well, I have been told by a few people that I need to start writing about my sex dreams I have because they tend to be very interesting and a lot of the times very vivid and lastnight's was pretty interesting...
There is this guy I am very attracted to and have had multiple sex dreams about during this winter and lastnight I had yet another one.
It seemed as though we were at his apartment and I was about to leave, but while giving him my goodbye hug I stayed in his embrace and began to kiss his neck. He did not seem to protest this and one of my hands moved toward his chest while my other hand dragged it's nails down his back with this surge of intensity. He grabbed the small of my back and my hand at his chest moved down to his jeans. I felt that what I was doing was perfectly fine with him. I looked up and he looked down at me, no words, but we started to kiss. It felt so real, like the best kiss I have had in a while! We somehow made our way to his bedroom and from there things just seemed to move faster. We kissed and I pushed him onto the bed and I sat on top of him. I once again felt his chest but this time both of my hands were under his shirt trying to get it off. After taking his shirt off, he reciprocated by taking mine off and looking at my breasts. I took his hands and put them on my breasts letting him cup them and feel them. Then it's like my dream hit fast forward and we were both naked and in the midst of doing it. side note: **I don't know if it is the fact that I like my breasts and I like to play with them and my subconscious felt the need to make it happen, but...** In my dream the guy had a fascination with my breasts and while I was on top of him, he was grabbing them.
Somehow the dream ended because I woke up, but honestly waking up from a dream like that really makes me happy but also aggravates me because it was just a tease. I am pretty sure I would never just do what happened in my dream though because I have no idea whether the guy likes me like that, nor do I think I would ever make moves like that. Hope this was entertaining and I am about 100% sure there will be more to come.
There is this guy I am very attracted to and have had multiple sex dreams about during this winter and lastnight I had yet another one.
It seemed as though we were at his apartment and I was about to leave, but while giving him my goodbye hug I stayed in his embrace and began to kiss his neck. He did not seem to protest this and one of my hands moved toward his chest while my other hand dragged it's nails down his back with this surge of intensity. He grabbed the small of my back and my hand at his chest moved down to his jeans. I felt that what I was doing was perfectly fine with him. I looked up and he looked down at me, no words, but we started to kiss. It felt so real, like the best kiss I have had in a while! We somehow made our way to his bedroom and from there things just seemed to move faster. We kissed and I pushed him onto the bed and I sat on top of him. I once again felt his chest but this time both of my hands were under his shirt trying to get it off. After taking his shirt off, he reciprocated by taking mine off and looking at my breasts. I took his hands and put them on my breasts letting him cup them and feel them. Then it's like my dream hit fast forward and we were both naked and in the midst of doing it. side note: **I don't know if it is the fact that I like my breasts and I like to play with them and my subconscious felt the need to make it happen, but...** In my dream the guy had a fascination with my breasts and while I was on top of him, he was grabbing them.
Somehow the dream ended because I woke up, but honestly waking up from a dream like that really makes me happy but also aggravates me because it was just a tease. I am pretty sure I would never just do what happened in my dream though because I have no idea whether the guy likes me like that, nor do I think I would ever make moves like that. Hope this was entertaining and I am about 100% sure there will be more to come.
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