My friend asked a couple of nights ago had I hooked up with anyone since she had last seen me and I said no. I also added that on Labor Day of this year, September 5, if I have not hooked up with anyone by this time I have been celibate for three years.
My friend freaked out a little bit saying things like oh my God and how do you do it?! I could only think of one answer at the time, my vibrator, but now that I have been mulling over this for a couple of days I believe it is because of multiple reasons. In this blog I am going to list my reasons of why I have been celibate for almost three years now. Enjoy. ;)
Well like I said the first thing that came to my mind was the fact that I have a vibrator, so therefore I do not need to hook up with anyone when I have this perfectly fine toy to do exactly that. I know some people may wonder, don't you miss the touch of guy, the cuddling, the crazy places you can do it, etc? Well, yes I do miss that, but most of the men I have met in college have been complete boys and dogs and I do not want to sleep with either of those types of men.
This leads me to my next reason of why I have not hooked up with any guys since 2008...well I am the type of person when I give you everything, I give it completely. I am the person who has sex because I have feelings for you and yes it is deeper than a one-night stand, so I know I cannot just sleep around with a guy, especially after many failed attempts of trying to psych myself into believing that a one-night stand was okay.
My next reason I believe has to do with the way I was raised by my parents. My parents were not very strict and they were not very loose parents either. They did not let me get away with everything, but they did not hide me from everything. I knew what sex was by age nine and that was not by my parents telling, but from the movie channels on Dish Network, i.e. Cinemax at night becomes Skinemax and other channels. We never really talked about sex that much, but there were a few times it was brought up, by either my parents or myself. Which is why at the age of 13, I asked my mom for a vibrator so I would not have sex like the other sex-crazed teens in my eighth grade class. I have always had an open relationship with my parents and they have always been there for me, which is why I think I did not make too many irrational decisions and I did not always do things that they told me I could not do.
My next reason is my main focus in life right now is to not sleep with everything that has two legs and party all the time, but to graduate from college. I have had the mind-set that if I am applying for jobs, I need to say no to my friends who offer me the puff, puff, pass and think about making money so I can stop depending so much on my parents and grow up. I mean it's not that I don't like to have a good time, I do, but I make sure that I have my school work in check before I even think about going out. The partying is another part to this reason. I know how to drink and still remember what happened the night before. I have been to the point of throwing up and still telling a guy that happened to be my DD to leave my apartment after walking me to it, one night when I was really gone. I know when a guy is trying to get in my pants, it's that gut feeling instinct that kicks in, and I know when to say no.
I think a lot of my self control at parties started when I was in high school because I used to offer to drive all the time and I saw first hand how messed up my people could get at parties. I did not want to be that girl and have no control over myself and need others to watch me, babysit me, or even fathom the thought of being left at the house because I have passed out and my friends don't want to deal with me. Those kinds of situations lead to bad decisions like having sex with that guy you thought you liked and then realizing it was not what you wanted. I know in my gut that I cannot do that to myself, I will have feelings attached to that person and when they have had me, they have also had my heart. I know it sounds dumb, but it is true and that will be another portion of my heart someone has stolen.
**If you were wondering I did not lose my virginity until I was 18 years old, it was exactly 20 days after my 18th birthday and it was a mistake. This is another reason why I do not have sex with just anybody. I gave up my virginity to a friend of mine at a party while we both in an intoxicated state and it was on the floor in the living room of the party at an apartment and there were five other people in the room (which none of them knew the sex had occurred). I say it was a mistake because it was in no way, shape, or form the way I had imagined it or wanted it to be. This is the only one-night stand I have had and it just so happened to be my first time. There were no sparks, there was no kiss, there was no orgasm, it was so quick and I do not know why I did it to myself. I fell for him after that night, which was a mistake as well and I have learned from it. Life goes on and this is a big reason for my sexual self control.
I think another reason is because of my last "relationship." I put relationship in quotations because I was in love with this guy, but he was not in love with me. He was just having sex with me and that was pretty much it. He was never sober any of the times we had sex and I was quite the opposite, except for maybe two nights out of our 11, I was sober. We did cuddle and fall asleep next to each other after we had sex, so it was this thought I created in my head that we were a couple. I mean that time in my life has made it hard for me to even think about having sex with someone. Especially when I gave him all of me and at one of my best friends 18th birthday party he made out with his ex-girlfriend in front of my face. Yes, I continued to sleep with him after that and not listen to what my friends had to say, but believe me when I say I have learned from this mistake in my life and have tried hard not to let it happen again.
I think my last and biggest reason, which kind of sums up all of my past reasons, is I only want to have sex with a man if I am in a committed relationship and I am in love with him. I know that is why I have been celibate since 2008. Yes, I know some guys have come to my attention and lord knows I tried to get theirs, but there were always reasons to why the sex never actually happened and I guess I am grateful for that because I know that is not all I want from a guy.
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