Depression Sucks

Well, obviously my title speaks for itself. 
I am depressed, I have not yet been diagnosed, but I know how I feel and it is really sounding like it. 


This is a pretty deep feeling...it's like I will be happy around my very good friends and family, but in the absence of that I am that person walking down the street and everything and everyone else around me seems to be moving 1,000 times faster and I am just there with tears in my eyes. I honestly do not know what made me start feeling this way.
There are several factors that I think could influence this:
1. my weight
2. living alone
3. not being able to find a job
4. taking 18 hours this semester
5. coming home to an empty house
6. only having a cat to talk to
7. not being able to get control over my eating habits
8. always being tired/not getting enough sleep
9. depending on my parents for all income
10. feeling completely alone


I mean and that's just 10...On Sunday, September 4, 2011, my family transferred our membership to a new church and as tradition new members leave out with the Senior Pastor and Associate Pastor and receive greetings and welcomes from members of the church. While I stood there shaking people's hands and saying thank you, in the back of my mind I felt like a complete fake and wanted to run off crying. I do not know why, I just did.


I guess another thing is that I know I may say I am okay with being single, but I am at my third year of celibacy/no sexual intimacy with a man. I have not had a relationship for three years and I see all these happy couples around me, fully enamored and some even getting married and I just feel terrible. I feel selfish saying this, but it is like, why won't any guy pick me? Why can I not find love other than family love? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not skinny enough? I know I am smart enough, so there's no question about that. Am I doing something wrong? I just don't get how some people have it so easy and people like me don't. I know I am young, but dammit why does no one seem to want me? 


I feel happy for a little while during the day, but I always seem to go back to feeling completely empty. Little things set me off, like today for example a girl in my class turned to me and said "You don't like anything do you?" I wanted to leave the room crying. I wanted to defend myself, but that comment caught me off guard. I did not speak the rest of class except to describe what TMZ does exactly. I walked back to my apartment trying to hold back my tears after that class. She did say a couple of minutes later that her statement was not meant to be mean, but it was already interpreted that way and it really hurt. 


I sit at my apartment talking to my cat, the only one I have 24 hours a day who truly loves me, and still feel so empty. I am NOT suicidal. I am just not happy and cry a lot. I have no idea why, I have no idea why it won't go away and I am going to talk to a professional about it soon.


I just don't understand how someone like me who is blessed with a family and friends who love her, has a pet who is always there, is a college student doing very well in school, is a 21 year old with a new car that her parents pay for, has a cell phone her parents pay for, has an apartment her parents pay for, and knows what she wants in her future, yet I feel so empty and so sad.


I feel like I have this daily facade where I act happy in all of my classes, around my friends, and smile in pictures that are taken, but when the curtains close I have my head in my hands and I am just crying.


I am mainly posting this because I know I am not the only one out there and not everyone knows how I feel right now and this is a way I feel comfortable telling people...well and sometimes writing things out is a little therapeutic to me. I love my friends and family who have been there for me since I told them and it really does help! I just wish it helped more...I guess that's why I am going to a counselor to talk things out.