Touch Yourself

We all touch ourselves. Whether it is intentional or we are unconsciously doing it, we all touch ourselves. Back in April I sent out a tweet in question to men, just out of curiosity, and received no reply. 

Recently, while chatting with a male friend, I brought it up again and it was very interesting to hear his arguments on the male population (broadly) versus my own personal experience when it comes to touching one's self.

In his words to answer my tweet he said, "Mostly it depends on how serious a guy is about doing the caressing. Honestly, I think for guys even masturbating is such a routine function that 90% of the time, there's very little extracurriculars...Men are biologically evolved to be more visual in these areas than women. I think you'll find that the vast majority of guys CAN'T masturbate like that [without a visual]. Without some sort of visual stimulus, a lot of guys can't get there [achieve masturbatory orgasm]. At least not unless they're really worked up already."

If this is the case, I think it's a shame. I believe because I have had so much sex with myself, I find just the sensation of touching myself slowly, mindfully and sensually is so sexy and sometimes soothing. My end goal isn't always to masturbate, but to just feel the sensation of fingers on skin. By touching myself, I don't just mean my vagina and breasts. I mean dragging my fingers lightly up and down my arm, over my belly, etc.
For me, it is almost meditatively done. You have to let go of the thought of what you are physically doing and just feel it. Sometimes I will even close my eyes and imagine it is someone else's hand, knowing full and well that it is my hand, but allowing that dream like state to take it to another level...No, I am not on drugs when this happens, I am just very in tune with my own body and what feels good and how I can make myself feel good.

My male friend found this very curious and asked, "When you do this, are you usually working purely off a mental fantasy? aka not watching porn, reading something, etc?"

Right. No porn or books. While those two things may give me a visual outright, a lot of the time I just let my imagination flow and listen to my body more than try to picture a man in my mind. Whatever flashes in my mind at the time is what works best for me. It could even simply be the idea of a strong man's hand, nothing else corporeally. The strong man's hand tracing the fingers up and down my side from shoulder to hip, grazing and pinching my nipples, etc. Again, this is more about the sensation and how it makes me feel. I feel very sexy in my own skin and if someone else does not have the pleasure to explore it, self exploration will have to do for now. 

My male friend after listening to all of this said, "You sound like the goddamn Jedi Master of self love and I'm slightly envious, lol."

Me:

This is what happens due to the fact that I have been celibate for 5.5 years now. I am so in-tune with my own sexuality and truly love my body. Being body positive and sex positive are some things I really strive for on a daily basis. At 27 years of age, I am confident and sexy in the skin I am in and truly hope that it stays that way. 

For the people who read this post, I encourage you to touch yourselves more often! Learn what works and what doesn't for you. This is an important act of self love and self awareness and everyone should experience that, often.

Why telling a woman to get a gun to protect herself is wrong

There have been a lot of emotionally driven exchanges over the past week, and rightfully so. We as human beings are emotional creatures and it is okay to have and express your emotions. What is not okay are the people continuing to judge others for their feelings and for expressing them. Those feelings are valid and real!

I am a person who wears my heart on my sleeve and I am completely transparent about my life and the way I lead it. Every part of it. I am lucky to have grown up in a family where it is okay to be who I am and express who I am openly. I will continue to do that until the day I die because once I stop being who I am and keep quiet about an issue that puts another at a disadvantage, I immediately side with the oppressor. 

While some of my friends recently have been logging off of Facebook temporarily to wait until the political climate hits a lull, I will not. It will not shut out what is actually happening around the world and if Facebook is one of the platforms I can use to share my stories and the stories of others to try and make a difference, then I will, while I still have the choice.

I have made several posts regarding the Women's March this week and have shared several articles surrounding the march as well and have received criticisms from men regarding some of these posts. I have seen similar posts my friends have made with the same criticisms from men.

These posts have had a component that involved violence against women. I have had and seen several men say on this platform, "well if a woman wants to protect herself, she should buy a gun." I have stayed silent to gather my thoughts on this and now feel ready to explain why it is completely WRONG for a man to say that to a woman, about a woman.

1. Let's start with the victim blaming issue here. You may not look at it and think that the statement is victim blaming, but behind the suggestion of buying a gun, you already look at a woman as if she is a victim, a prey and how she should protect herself.
2. A man may also suggest a woman take self defense courses, carry mace, pepper spray, a knife or a whistle on her at all times for protection. Again, reinforcing the idea that a woman is a prey. Of all of the above suggestions, a woman having a whistle seems to be suggested the least, "oh no! We [men] have to go straight to suggesting a gun!"
3. I am in no way saying anything about your right [to bear arms] when I tell you it is wrong to tell a woman to buy a gun to protect herself. But if you try to breach the argument using that, I will shut that shit down because it is irrelevant. Think about it. The Second Amendment of the United States Constitution reads: "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed." (Cornell University Law School) Trying to argue that it is a woman's right to own a gun vs. a woman protecting herself against violence with a gun, no. Just no. I have the right to buy and own a frying pan, but that doesn't necessarily mean I will ever use it as a means of protection.
4. Guns escalate violence. Say a woman has a gun for protection, but her assailant uses more force than she can fight against, steals the gun away from her and kills her with her own gun. It's a Catch-22.
5. Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault are about Power and Control. Not all violence against women warrants a gun and you should know the signs:



NCDSV Power & Control diagram

6. WHY ARE WE NOT ASKING THE MEN TO CHANGE?! Seriously! Why should a woman be the only one to change or expand her habits as to not be targeted as a victim or prey?! Are you teaching your sons (and other men) it is not okay to hit a girl or stalk her or call her names? If you are not, then we circumvent this issue. We should not have to tell our daughters, sisters, mothers, aunts, grandmothers, cousins, nieces, etc. how to protect themselves against violence, if we are teaching our sons, brothers, fathers, uncles, grandfathers, cousins, nephews, etc. how to have respect women, give women their personal space, and let them have control over their own self. I feel strongly that all men need to take women's studies courses to fully understand what it is like to be a woman, how far we have come in society, and yet how far we still have to go to achieve equality and respect. Knowing is part of the battle. Knowledge is power.

My hope is that we can stop victim blaming and start asking men to respect women properly and let women take control and power over themselves and their bodies without the use of self defense courses and weapons for protection. Until we can achieve this, we are not equal and this is why I marched.

Why I am Getting an IUD Today

Hi. My name is Emily. I am a 26 year old adult. I have been on birth control since the end of 2004, when I started my period as a late-bloomer that August. Want to talk about embarrassing first impressions in high school? Try bleeding through my pants in class and running to the bathroom crying and pleading to my dad, who also taught at my high school and had a planning period, to go home and bring me a new pair of pants and underwear. If you think that is gross, you don't have any right to tell me I shouldn't worry about my reproductive rights. I wear them on my blood stained underwear. I was told by my female doctor at the time I asked her to put me on birth control back in 2004 that this was not a free pass to go and start having sex. 

1. I was having irregular cycles, where I had my period one month, then two months later I had my next one and it was two weeks long, heavy flow. That is why I wanted to be on birth control at that time, but please tell me how menstruation isn't considered a "medical condition" like erectile disfunction is...
2. I was a virgin! How dare any doctor judge me for wanting birth control for medical reasons, yet assume I want them so I can be the next town's floozy. Which is why after that appointment and receiving my prescription, I switched doctors.

At the time when I was 14, I was afraid of the pill. I did not trust myself to be able to remember to take it every day around the same time. Out of that fear, I opted for the birth control patch because I only had to worry about changing it once a week and it did not matter at what time of day I changed it, as long as it was on that day.

I stayed on the patch for 10 years. After ten years, I was over it. I still had a heavy flow, cramps that made me sick and doubled over with pain and I was just tired of the marks the patch left on my body. It was effective in regulating my period, but that was about it.

In 2014 at my visit with my primary care physician, I asked to switch to the pill because of all of the reasons I mentioned above and by 2014 I was having to take a daily allergy medicine. I realized adding one more tiny birth control pill would not be a hard thing to add to my daily routine. So I switched to the birth control pill. This made a tremendous difference! My flow lightened, my cramps have practically gone away to the point where I sometimes forget I am on my period and it has continued to keep my cycle in rhythm, regular.

After reading President Trump's policies he planned to put forth if elected president, I knew my right of free access to birth control may be taken away...again.

I remember back in 2004 having to pay over $100 a month for my patches. If we are heading back to that, I don't want to know how much my current pills would cost me per month. 

So, in fear of the cost of this medication shooting through the roof that the United States still deems a "lifestyle choice" rather than a "medical condition", I am going in this morning to my OB/GYN to have an IUD inserted. I chose the IUD method because it is a long-term form of birth control, meaning inserted today, remove five years later (or sooner if I find myself ready to try and conceive). I am making this decision while I still have control over my own body and my reproductive rights. I am also doing this now because there is no guarantee it will work for me. I have a 6-month trial period to see whether my body will accept it, fight it, miscarry/expel it. I am putting a foreign object inside of me to prevent unplanned pregnancy, to regulate or even stop my flow, to reduce the pain of cramping, and because I want to and have the access to do so right now. I am planning to go to graduate school next year and honestly cannot afford to imagine paying $100+ for birth control a month on top of all my other living expenses and that sounds ridiculous...because it is ridiculous! If this method doesn't work for me after six months, at least I will still have other long-term birth control options to try before graduate school that will outlive President Trump's first (and hopefully only) term.

#WhyIMarch

On January 21, 2017, I will be at the Women's March on Washington.

Why I March:

• Because Women's Rights are Human Rights. Think about it. In its simplest form, take away the skin, the muscles, the organs, you will see a skeleton, the bare bones of a human being. Keeping that in mind and that we are all, in fact human beings, it is way past the time we should be respected as equals.
• The Women's Suffrage Movement.
• The women of history that came before me, through blood, sweat, starvation, tears and lots of protests gained me the right and privilege to vote and use my voice as a part of our democratic system. I march for them!
• Because I am afraid. I am afraid for myself, for my friends, for complete strangers, for children, etc. and I have every right to be afraid.
• Because I am a strong feminist and will fight for my rights as a woman!
• MY VAGINA!
• Reproductive Health Care.
• Where to start? The threat of defunding Planned Parenthood, which will devalue our current status of reproductive health care. Planned Parenthood turned 100 years old in 2016. I repeat Planned Parenthood turned 100 years old in 2016!!! Planned Parenthood has been around for a century as a champion for reproductive health care and reproductive health rights for women and men by providing abortion services, birth control, educational resources, HIV testing, LGBT services (i.e. hormone therapy for transgender clients, resources and services referral), men's health care, morning-after pill (emergency contraception), pregnancy testing & services (i.e. pregnancy testing, abortion services, abortion referrals, adoption referrals, trained staff to discuss your options with you if you are pregnant, trained staff to talk with you about early pregnancy loss/miscarriage), STD testing, treatments & vaccines, and women's health care. If all you see Planned Parenthood as is an abortion clinic, let me be the first to inform you not every Planned Parenthood location actually offers that service, and it truly upsets me that you are so willfully ignorant and/or blind due to your moral standards that you refuse to see the hundreds of other services offered to not only women, but men too through Planned Parenthood. I WILL ALWAYS STAND WITH PLANNED PARENTHOOD and will continue to be a supporter and advocate for the work that they do.
• The United States has a problem with not being able to have an open dialogue about sex! As a nation we do not properly educate all of our coming of age children on sex, how to have protected sex, sexual consent, what the consequences of sex can truly be, etc. Not all 50 states even teach sex education, which in 2017 is fucking ridiculous! As of 2/16/2016, below are some short facts on sex education in schools from the National Conference of State Legislatures:
  • 24 states and the District of Columbia require public schools teach sex education (21 of which mandate sex education and HIV education).
  • 33 states and the District of Columbia require students receive instruction about HIV/AIDS.
  • 20 states require that if provided, sex and/or HIV education must be medically, factually or technically accurate. State definitions of “medically accurate" vary, from requiring that the department of health review curriculum for accuracy, to mandating that curriculum be based on information from “published authorities upon which medical professionals rely.” (See table on medically accuracy laws.)
  • 38 states and the District of Columbia require school districts to allow parental involvement in sexual education programs.
  • Four states require parental consent before a child can receive instruction.
  • 35 states and the District of Columbia allow parents to opt-out on behalf of their children.
• Sex has everything to do with reproductive health, so if we as the United States cannot openly discuss and educate our fellow citizens, then we already have a strike against us when it comes to reproductive health care. If we cannot talk about sex, we are setting ourselves and others up for consequences from sex that could have been prevented or thoughtfully planned. We need to be a sex positive nation!
• Gender Identity.
• Well, being from North Carolina and to thankfully have grown up and currently live in a tolerant city for the majority of my life, I stand in solidarity and as a strong and faithful Ally with my LGBTQIA+ community! When HB2 passed here in NC, I was devastated because the bill was more than just a "bathroom bill", it is an outright discrimination bill. Out of that ugly bill, many people have shown their true faces of disgust for the LGBTQIA+ community, but there has also been a thunderous support in several cities that support gender equality and inclusivity. So, another reason I march is to honor and walk in solidarity as an Ally to the LGBTQIA+ community, my friends, family and complete strangers who deserve to be treated as human beings.
• Race.
• The racial climate the past few years has been a heightened one. Black Lives Matter. Muslim Lives Matters. Native American Lives Matter. Americans have spent so much time as of late, it seems, combating each other and after reading Trevor Noah's "Born A Crime", it is frightening how these crimes if exploited and elevated the right way through the media and funneled up through the government could turn into something similar to the apartheid that was happening in South Africa. We need to stop fighting and attacking each other and come together. A nation united, not segregated. I know, as a white female with a very common name, I have no idea of the real hate and blatant discrimination my friends, family and complete strangers have lived and are living, but know that I march for you, with you. Hand in hand. 
• Sexual Assault/Domestic Violence.
• As a volunteer hospital advocate for sexual assault and domestic violence victims in my local city and a sexual assault survivor myself, I march for the women and men who are survivors, who have given a testimony in court, who are currently in a shelter, who are in the ED right now preparing to go through the forensic exam/rape kit, who are going to the police to give their statement, who are going to the court system to file a DVPO for the first or more times, who are planning their escape, who have children and think they could not leave them with their abuser, who have left but returned to their abuser, and sadly those we have lost due to sexual assault and domestic violence.
• Every 6.5 seconds, a woman is physically assaulted or raped by an intimate partner. (CDC, 2010)
• Each day, nearly 4 women in the United States are murdered by a male intimate partner. (CDC, 2010)
• 1 out of 5 women nationally has been sexually assaulted
• Victimization often occurs for the first time before the age of 25
• Approximately one in four women is estimated to have experienced some form of unwanted sexual contact during their lifetimes (CDC, 2011)
• Approximately one in three women is estimated to have experienced some type of noncontact unwanted sexual experience during their lifetimes (CDC, 2011)
• Sexual Assault and Domestic Violence is always about Power and Control, so I also march to take Power and Control over My Own Body.
• Future generations.
• I march as a face for the future generations of women, I march for and on behalf of them! Who knows, maybe I will even have a daughter of my own some day...So especially in that sense, I march for her!
• Because I am on the right side of history!

It's 2017

My "Gal With A Plan" 2017 Planner

Happy New Year! It is 2 January, 2017! While many people tend to head to their local gyms to purchase new memberships or set some other hefty, high-level goals in this month, I have been thinking about other things that have preoccupied my mind as of late.

The first being that the sex gods and goddesses are really cracking jokes at me! As most of you know the majority of my previous blog posts have been centralized around a topic related to sex. Usually my sex life. I am very transparent about my sex life and honestly do not think it is a terrible thing to open up and talk about with others. As I would have it, I have not had sex with another human being since January 2012. You read that right. It has been five years since my last intrepid coital experience. A lot has happened in my life since 2012, but not much to do with sex. I say the sex gods and goddesses are really cracking jokes at me because this is what I won while playing a New Year's game at a friend's house this past Sunday (early, like right after the clock struck midnight, early) morning:

The airplane bottle of vodka was not even part of my winnings! There just happened to be a person at the party who did not drink who passed that along to me. For someone who has not had sex in five years to receive two condoms, where I could have scored some chocolates or airplane bottles of liquor, this just seemed like a joke. 😂

And yet, that is okay. At a mature enough age, in my early 20s I realized that I am better off doing sex solo than becoming emotionally attached to someone and only sleeping with them once. So, these two condoms may end up expiring and never used, but that is okay with me. I would rather use a condom (or two) when I am mentally, emotionally, physically and consensually ready to do it.

In the past two years I have been off of my blog posts because I really did not think there was too much to blog or talk about. A lot of great things happened and a few shitty things happened, but I found more solace in talking to close friends about my experiences rather than posting them here. In the past two years, I changed jobs, moved back in with my parents, was sexually assaulted at a friend's house party in September 2015, regularly attended my favorite local music festival Shakori Hills, competed in my first Rugged Maniac, successfully completed a year-long diabetes prevention program, was a stage kitten for multiple local burlesque shows, celebrated many friends' weddings and birthdays and births of new additions to their families, felt the secondhand effects of family drama, volunteered with Mental Health America and Durham Crisis Response Center, but most importantly, in the past two years I really think I have rediscovered myself. 

It is easy to skip over the sexual assault line in my last, long sentence, but it is something that haunted me for a while and sometimes still does. I will not go into full details on what happened because you already know the details, if I trusted you enough to tell you.

Sex means a lot to me and to have been violated by something I actually enjoyed, left me unable to really form words about it. I was disgusted with myself, with my body and with my friends in whom I tried to confide in, but brushed me off. I learned who I could open up to fully and trust with topics of discussion like sexual assault and who I just needed to intentionally shut out of that part of my life. I still sometimes feel fearful when a guy friend slinks in close beside me and brings up personal intimacy, which then becomes the topic of conversation surrounding myself. Luckily, I found friends who I could confide in, trust and they loved me and supported me through it all. For those friends, I am forever grateful and I love you! 💖 They were a huge part of my healing process. Another part that helped me was finally having the opportunity to volunteer with Durham Crisis Response Center (DCRC) as a hospital advocate for domestic violence and sexual assault victims. I have seen, experienced and supported others through their hospital experiences and in a way, it has helped me book-end my experience by helping others. 

Along with volunteering at DCRC, I also volunteered with Mental Health America (MHA) of the Triangle for a year as a Compeer Volunteer and came to the realization that working in mental health is not what I feel comfortable with doing for the rest of my life. I find more complete wholeness in the volunteer work I am doing with DCRC and I was not getting those same vibes with MHA. Whilst volunteering, I told many friends of my work and how this would help me with my selection of graduate school programs. One friend in particular helped me reaffirm my faith in going back to study sexual health counseling/therapy. Thank you for that, Katy Ross! I really needed that and really appreciated that in our long discussion when you were in town. 😊 So now in 2017, I am one month and one day away from taking the GRE in the hopes that taking that exam will be a part of the application I send off to the two schools who are asking for it. I despise standardized tests, especially since it will have little to nothing to do with my field of study, but if taking it will help me be the best contender for my dream school, then I will take it.

2017 has a lot in store for me, going to the Women's March on Washington, taking the GRE in February, going to Mardi Gras in NOLA with my best friend, spending my birthday at Shakori with my Shakori family 💖💖💖, going to the beach for a week with my family and applying to grad school. All the while following through with my New Year's Resolution of dancing more! 💃💃💃 It's 2017, I can do this!