The title of this post was an alternate to my more accurate long-winded one:
My sexual history: Why I have commitment issues with partners and opening up to the idea of an intimate relationship with partners: Part II
This is the continuation from my Part I post. I'm picking up right where the first one left off as a 14 year old girl, who has already started exploring her sexuality and come up against some life lessons.
In Part II, I will hopefully continue to answer questions my friends have had as to why I am so picky, and why I sometimes tend to flirt with a man at the bar, and even though I do want to sleep with them, alarm bells start going off as the night comes to a close, and I take flight and end up home alone. Here is Part II to a very lengthy, but complete look into my sexual history. Buckle up folks! It is going to be a wild ride with many highs and lows.
Before I press onwards into my high school years and beyond, I need to rewind one second because I failed to mention one hilariously pivotal moment in my sexual history. The first time I gave a guy a hand job! I believe I was 13 years old at the time. It was summer and I was at Homestead Heights swimming pool, where I basically spent every summer of my childhood up until I was a freshman in college. This was a time to be a child growing up! I was able to ride my bike anywhere and not really worry about someone reporting my parents for child abandonment...and I was blissfully ignorant to the idea of being abducted because the neighborhood I grew up in was already fairly sketch to begin with, so I was used to being aware of my safety growing up. I digress because I don't know that many kids in the United States these days who can go out and ride their bike to a friend's house or to their local pool or play outside unsupervised, and that saddens me.
Back to the real story you came here to read though! I rode my bike to the pool as I did most days and saw one of my summer crushes. I'm not exactly sure how we even ended up like we did, but that summer, this development company was building houses where the tennis courts used to be next to the pool. The houses did not have locks yet on the doors, so me and this guy ended up in one of the houses. We sat on the floor and he spit into my hand and then told me how to jack him off. I enjoyed it. I had all of the power, yet he let me know whether to go faster or slower. This was an educational moment for me, learning by doing. Well, this was also the first time I had seen and felt ejaculation and it was strange and foreign to me. So like any ignorant 13 year old girl, I jumped away from it and watched some of it scatter onto the cement floor of this house. Some of it was warm on my hand and I didn't know what to do with it...I think I ended up just rubbing it off on my swimsuit. Well, I think after this experience, I was hella proud of myself for being able to make him cum. However, I was 13 and giggled and teased the guy afterwards for leaving semen in the house. It was innocent, but I think I may have hurt the guy's feelings a bit because we never did anything else after that. Oh well, you know just like summer comes and goes, so did that guy...literally.
We now return to your regularly scheduled programming. So, as I said I went through phases each year of high school. 9th - Slut, 10th - Chorus Geek (never really ever phased out of this, haha!), 11th - Emo/Scene, 12th - Hippie (not sure I ever really phased out of this either). High school was kind of an interesting time for me. I didn't really do much after that summertime hand job. I believe I became more exploratory my junior and senior years because I had a solid group of friends and we went to quite a lot of parties. During my junior and start of my senior year, there were a few guys I had make out sessions with, one came over to my house and all we did was make out on my bed. One time he asked to wear a pair of my basketball shorts and at the time I found it odd, but now I know why. He laid on the bed and I got on top and we dry humped and I remember there was a time he shuddered and his breath became hitched and now I look back and realize that he used my shorts for less tightness than his jeans and a way to feel me more. Then I think, that mofo came and then immediately left after that. No orgasm for me...the fuck man?! Another guy was a server at the Texas Roadhouse, where I worked as a hostess for about eight months. He was an incredibly good kisser and I loved our make out sessions. He was also well endowed, but I think even then I was still very hesitant of the idea of sleeping with a coworker, haha!
Evening of Entertainment (EOE) weekend, in 2008 was to be performed at Southern High School, so I stayed with a friend that weekend to be closer to our rehearsal space/school. EOE for those who aren't Durham Public School (DPS) chorus folks, is a DPS collaborative choral concert where a select handful of students from each DPS school come together and perform. After the concert we went back to one of the guy's houses to celebrate and while in a bunk bed, my friend and one guy in the top bunk were having sex, while I was giving another guy a blow job in the bottom bunk. I'm fairly certain this was one of my first ones, but I liked it. It wasn't that exciting, I was high, we had all shared a blunt before heading into that bunk bed situation. Another hilarious experience as a result of EOE was after rehearsal one day, a guy came by my house to pick something up he left at one of the rehearsals. I got into his car and we chatted for a while in my driveway. One thing led to another and he fingered me to orgasm in his car. It was one of the first orgasms I had that someone else gave me and it was exhilarating! I actually felt quite embarrassed though because it is such an intimate moment and to share it with that guy was weird because I wasn't attracted to him, yet my body released a response anyways. He then argued that it was his turn, so I gave him a hand job and that was the first time I realized that some guys may have longer penises, but a lack of girth to match.
Right before I graduated from high school and 20 days after my 18th birthday, I lost my virginity. In the most shoddy way. I have one of those stories that I regret it, but at the same time I am happy it happened and I grew up (re: learned something) a little bit after it. My three sexual partners thus far in my life I previously wrote a post about entitled The Three Lucky Gentlemen. I am going to give you the abbreviated version of each since that post exists. So, I had a few girlfriends go with me to a house party and that night was full of drinking, smoking cigarettes, and smoking weed. At the end of the night everyone pretty much that didn't live at the house slept in the living room. Drew (not his real name) and I were on the floor and our friends were on a separate part of the floor or on the couch. The living room had seven people in all. I was really attracted to Drew and in my drunken and high state of mind I made the first move. I told him I wanted to have sex with him and he agreed. So on the floor, he put the condom on and entered me from behind and there I was losing my virginity...on the floor in a room with five other occupants. Drew stopped after about 2 minutes and said the room was spinning and pulled out and that was it. I did not have an orgasm and neither did he. We didn't even kiss. Now you can see why I regret it.
After that experience, I was still quite immature sexually and would tell people how much I regret that moment and wish I could have a proper sexual experience. [Gaston enters stage left.] Gaston gave me my first real vaginal intercourse...and only ten more times after that, but it turned into eight months of emotional torture for me. He knew I loved him, but he didn't love me back and he continued to sleep with other women while we were sleeping together. He even hit on one of my best friends during this time. He used my love for him to his advantage and because of that toxic relationship, I have spent many years not trusting men. Those eight months I grew up and I grew up fast. I cried for months wondering what the fuck was wrong with me and not until 2012, so three years later, did I sleep with another guy.
Three years later I slept with a good friend of mine, Josh, as I called him in my previous blog post. It was a mutual fling and after that night where I never climaxed, I only slept with him on one other occasion, which was when I had my first anal intercourse experience. You can read about that in full detail in my Anal Sex post. Josh is the only guy I have remained good friends with after having sex with him. I am okay with the fact that those two nights occurred, and I feel we have moved beyond them and still remained good friends. I wish that could have been the case with the other two, but with Drew, we just kind of grew apart over time by not keeping in touch as tends to happen after high school, and I cut all communicative ties with Gaston after that relationship ended. If anything, Josh taught me it's okay to have sex and then realize it is better to just be friends.
After Josh, I spent a long time sort of reevaluating my sexual life. I decided masturbating was a better option than trying to invest emotionally in any other sexcapades. I graduated from undergrad and started my first 'big girl' job in 2013. The city I was working in was not a very social place for a 23 year old to find potential dates, so I continued on with self love/masturbation for a good 2.5 years. Then, I landed a job in my hometown and moved back into a more social dating atmosphere as a 25 year old. Unfortunately, a few months after moving back home, I went to a housewarming party for close friends of mine and was sexually assaulted that night. I won't go into detail about it because I already did that in a previous post which you can read here, but after that night I lost any sex drive I had or even thought about sex. It took me a while to even come back around to the idea of masturbation after that night.
Thankfully, lots of opportunities for growth, self care, and self love have brought me to the point I am at today. On the flip side of that, due to these past traumas and experiences, I find myself scared to let someone in. I find myself flirting with potential partners, but then building up a wall probably way too early on. I have had plenty of chances to get with guys that I've gotten to know at bars and social events, but I play a bit like Jane Bennet from Pride and Prejudice where I have feelings for the guys, but they aren't plainly shown, so the guys move on to someone more forward. I find myself many a night falling into bed after a night out, playing through the events in my head and seeing a point where I could have stepped it up, but instead built this impenetrable fortress up. So, I roll over to my nightstand, pull out my vibrator, masturbate, and fall asleep. This is also why I frequently have sex dreams about the most random people. I had one about a guy I went to undergrad with, and it was quite hilarious to me when I woke up because in this dream I gave him the most amazing blow job, but when it was time to reciprocate, he was turned off by my unshaved legs and natural bush, AHAHA! It still cracks me up because the only reason he could have popped into my subconscious is because I saw an Instagram post of his before I dozed that night.
To be fair on myself, I did in the past year and a half nearly sleep with a guy, but I had an issue and gut instinct about the way he kissed me that sent up a red flag. When we kissed, he only kissed with his lips, no tongue. I found it strange and it happened two nights in a row. I love to kiss! Full, sloppy, wet, tongued, passionate kisses and when he wasn't using his tongue for that purpose, I figured he wasn't going to be using it anywhere else. So, I denied his further advances and here we are now. I don't regret it either, after finding out a few days later via his Snapchat that he was a bit of a sketch lad, snorting coke off of a girl's ass in a hotel bathroom...yeah, I feel like I dodged a fuckboi there.
All in all though, it is interesting to have studied Sexology, being a very sexually open human being, but looking back at all of my stumbling blocks and sexual history, to see where I am at today, how I got here, and to get a bit of a picture as to why I have commitment issues and hesitancy when it comes to being intimate with another person. It's funny when people ask me why I am so hesitant because there is a lot there to unpack, but I also have to be mindful of how much I want to disclose or not disclose, and it's just complicated. At least I now have a bit of a picture for myself as to why I feel so guarded, still, and hopefully I can start to break down these walls...even just a little bit to allow someone the chance to be let in.
